Dumber than a box of rocks.
Busier than a three-legged cat burying poop.
Uglier than a board fence.
That'll go over like a turd in a punch bowl.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Cuter than a speckled pup.
Cute as a button.
Quiet as a mouse wearing sneakers.
Hairier than a baboon.
Slower than molasses in January.
Higher than a kite.
Thirstier than a camel.
As agile as a rhinoceros on roller skates.
Faster than a speeding ticket.
Faster than greased lightning.
Slicker than a bucket of greased owl snot.
She could eat corn through a board fence.
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Not the sharpest tack in the box.
He is 36 going on 13.
If you had a brain, you would take it out and play with it.
"Think Light" (when walking on boggy ground)
Thanks to the Foghorn Leghorn cartoon provided below.
She couldn't catch a husband with a bear trap.
Slicker than cat(poop) on linoleum.
Slower than a *______________ funeral with one set of jumper cables.
*(insert your favorite socio-economically challenged group here)
He's greener than grass
Tougher than lips on a woodpecker.
Sexier than a rooster in wool socks.
Finer than frog hair. (So fine you can't even see it.)
Happier than a pig in a mud puddle.
Grinnin' like a possum eatin' $#it.
Older than Methuselah. (969 is a lot of birthday candles)
Rain is comin' harder than a cow pissin' on a flat rock
Hotter than 2 squirrels f&#&ing in a wool sock
Colder than a well diggers a@@
hornier than a 2 p#$kered billygoat
harder than a honeymoon k0ck
Happier than a quir in a dck tree
I don't know if this counts but I've always liked this description of someone who is a know it all:
Been everywhere but the electric chair, seen everything but the wind
Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra
Colder than a brass seat in a North Dakota outhouse
Sweating like a hooker in church
He/She couldn't pour piss out of a boot if instructions were written on the bottom.
More nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
That road's crookeder than a plate full of guts.
Tighter than a bull's a$$ at fly time.
She couldn't boil guts for a bear.
Uglier than a bucketful of mad a$$ holes.
Busier 'n a rooster in a 3 decker henhouse.
Nuttier 'n a squirrel turd.
That is about as funny as screen doors on a submarine.
They are about as useful as tits on a bore hog.
"Tougher than lips on a woodpecker."
Best in show, so far.
Maybe cause I never heard it before.:-)
Don
Nuttier than a portopotty at a peanut festival
After stepping outside for a bit, I recollected old Lonnie (a survey 'grunt' that started surveying at age 65, god bless'im). In his honor:
"itz so cold, I had to stick a finger up my *ss and holler snake just to take a piss."
