Most of us go through it. Mom and Dad wear out physically, mentally, or both.
Mom is overweight and her joints are wore out. If she falls it's a real chore to get her up. Can't grab her arms with two replaced shoulders. Mentally, I think she's fine. Of course Dad says she's losing it: Dad being Dad. Personally, I think she's close to the nursing home, but not quite. One more bad fall and she will need to be there for physical reasons, not mental.
The old man is pretty well off physically. He's had challenges, but has kept himself in shape by staying active. Mostly playing tennis. He's still sharp, but much more emotional now than I ever remember him. Not every day, but when he is in pain, or just feels things aren't going his way he breaks down in to tears while giving who ever is within earshot drill instructor style orders about 'fixing' the situation to his liking.
Dad still works part time and keeps pretty close tabs on my more sedentary mother. He helps her if/when she falls. Dad has repeatedly told me that if anything happens to him I need to "get her out of the house and in to a nursing home immediately". I've repetitively told him that if the day comes I will sit down with mom and assess the situation. It would be much easier to say "yes sir" just to appease him, but dammit, I am honest. Dad and I have went round and round about this.
Last week Dad went in for a procedure. It was supposed to be a couple days in the hospital. Brought Dad home Friday, and Sunday I end up taking him back. Not life threatening, but he gets to spend the next 5 days flat in bed with others taking care of his EVERY need if you know what I mean. Understandably, he is upset.
I start contacting mom more often, tell her to keep her phone on her person, etc. They live about a 1/2 hour away. Yesterday, my sister-in-law visits Dad in the hospital which is two hours away. He breaks down in front of her and gives her the: "Get Mom in the home ASAP speech if something happens and sell the house so she can't go back, because my boys won't listen to me about this." In his defense he is in pain/generally miserable situation making him much more likely to spout off.
The texts and phone calls start flying. Sis-in-law promises SHE can carry out his wishes, and suddenly I (as the oldest son) am the bad guy after years of helping out. She even works over my wife who clearly sides with sis-in-law and I finish the conversation with: She can go pee up a flag pole, because she has no legal standing. These kind words send the wifey off in a tizzy, but what the hell?
My brother is a good guy who gives his wife an awful long leash at times. I've always ignored it because her attitude didn't really affect me or the situation I was dealing with. My brother is going to sit through some uncomfortable words the next time I see him.
The golden years ain't so golden. Rant off. Steve
This in the only bright spot of losing your parents at relatively young ages.
You need to get power of attorney assigned.
I've been through similar circumstances and you have my sympathy; it's a tough row to hoe. However my father left us 25 years prior to my mother's passing. He also left us with his "wishes" and we were successful in carrying out most, if not all of his wishes.
Somehow the caring for my mother landed as my responsibility for about the last 10 years of her life. I did my best, but it was not without the constant critique and admonishments from my older brothers and sister. I would always ask their opinions about decisions I had to make for my mother and they always answered with "whatever you decide". The day-to-day care, cooking, feeding, doctor's visits, bill paying and house cleaning was all left up to me. Then after-the-fact they always felt the need to school me about what they perceived as my "level of incompetence". The saying "go piss up a rope" was probably uttered by me at least once, maybe more. I quipped back at them once that Pops would be proud of them for their constant bitching and moaning about my poor decisions.
I'll bet most siblings quibble about how end-of-life care should be administered for either parent. And I'll bet, as in my case, sometimes it wasn't pretty and left some hard feelings. There were a few rough spots, but thankfully we've healed. I pray you all will endure also.
As I explained to all my brothers and sister; I was able to care for our mother in her last years, get her buried and settled the estate without it killing her.
(always a joker to the end) 😉
paden cash, post: 455477, member: 20 wrote: I quipped back at them once that Pops would be proud of them for their constant bitching and moaning about my poor decisions.
Thanks for the prayers. I will be quoting the scripture above to them. Steve
What you are going through is the hardest thing I have ever done and I have a very cooperative/helpful Sister. Just continue to do the right thing. This too shall pass. Thoughts and prayers your way.
Steve & Paden, thanks for sharing this. I am gonna share with my Dad. He is dealing with his folks now... It is good to share these stories with each other. You are not alone.
Dad had a few strokes which left myself and sister taking turns caring for him 'til we reached our wits ends. Dad passed over a decade ago, and the stories that used to terrify us about caring for him, we can laugh at now. It's great when the crisis happened to the other sibling.
I remember the phone conversation when my sister told me she came to what looked like a murder scene (she was mortified)
Apparently, dad's unsteady walking led him to fall off the front step and into a rose bush when answering the front door to his neighbor lady.
Falling into the rose bush can apparently be bloody, but when you're on blood thinners it is a mess. The neighbor lady was a nurse and ran home for supplies. When my sister came home from work the front step and walk were covered in blood, bandages, and surgical gloves.
we've got a bunch of these stories, it's tough to do it alone.
5 years ago today my Dad died after an illness of 17 weeks. Drove from NC to PA 16 weekends. So thankful dad kept his mind and humor up to the end. He taught me a lot, including how to die with class..... hope I can do as well.
R.J. Schneider, post: 455560, member: 409 wrote: Dad had a few strokes which left myself and sister taking turns caring for him 'til we reached our wits ends. Dad passed over a decade ago, and the stories that used to terrify us about caring for him, we can laugh at now. It's great when the crisis happened to the other sibling.
I remember the phone conversation when my sister told me she came to what looked like a murder scene (she was mortified)
Apparently, dad's unsteady walking led him to fall off the front step and into a rose bush when answering the front door to his neighbor lady.
Falling into the rose bush can apparently be bloody, but when you're on blood thinners it is a mess. The neighbor lady was a nurse and ran home for supplies. When my sister came home from work the front step and walk were covered in blood, bandages, and surgical gloves.we've got a bunch of these stories, it's tough to do it alone.
I remember you telling that story before. Sounds terrible!
My wife is going through that with her mother now.
Mom, you have to eat. No mom you can't drive yourself! Your blood pressure is fine. What do you mean what am I doing here? You're passing out all the time. Mom I love you, but it's me or the nursing home. Your other daughter and son in law think you should have been in one years ago.
Has anyone asked your mom what SHE wants, and what her wishes are?? It's her life and her body too, after all. :confused:
Yup, she wants to stay home as long as possible. She understands that may be moving sooner than she likes, and probably will put a little fight if the time comes.
Dad might not be wrong, but it's working now so why beat the dead horse over and over other than Dad wants to see his boys click their heals and salute.
That's exactly why I will continue to assess the situation.
Dad grew up dirt poor and climbed the ladder in a fortune 500 company with a GED, mechanical genius, and a huge dose of tenacity. He truly loves his family, but struggles to apply any strategy other than his corporate world overwhelming personality to life's problems.
This is a challenge to be endured more often than not. Dad wants to win every challenge.
Steve
My dad didn't want to leave his apartment in Ohio that he'd lived in since 1965. I told him that he should move out to CA and live with me or close to me but he didn't want to leave his friends.
He finally had a bad fall and ended up scrambling his brains--couldn't walk, swallow anything but liquids, seemed to recognize me. his sister, and ex-wife, a few others, but couldn't talk, etc. He was a runner, and even after he couldn't run without falling, he would go to the community center and walk around the track using a walker. I'm sorry to say this but it was a relief that he caught pneumonia and died 3 months later.
One friend said at the wake that he never visited because he didn't want to see Bruce in that state.
I can kinda understand that decision, but, just...no.
Thank goodness, he'd added me to his bank account several years before so I could continue paying his bills.
The way I looked at it back then, and still now, is my folks saw me through my time as a toddler needing help. It's only natural that I returned the favor.
paden cash, post: 455835, member: 20 wrote: The way I looked at it back then, and still now, is my folks saw me through my time as a toddler needing help. It's only natural that I returned the favor.
THIS. 😎
Toddlers are a piece of cake compared to elderly parents with dementia.
A couple of comments, what decisions you make in your fifties will greatly impact the resources and dollars your children have available to help you. Hint don't by a turbocharged C206U with 1300 hour TBO, they lost a small fortune on that thing (it's not easy to lose money on a single engine Cessna but my Dad did it). Don't buy a mobile home in a rented space, lost a bundle on that too when we the children had to sell the stupid thing.
Get in the right front seat of the car, let your parent drive, it will open your eyes, told my siblings OMG Mom should not be driving.
My sister and I got her through a total hip and then a knee but she's declined since then. Sister wants me to take care of her for a day, okay, I ask can you have my brother's daughter help me? Granddaughter loves helping out. I usually have the grandson.
Dave Karoly, post: 456292, member: 94 wrote: Toddlers are a piece of cake compared to elderly parents with dementia..
Yes they are. For one you can probably reason with a toddler easier than some older folks..
And I've never known a toddler to attempt to heat up a cup of soup for an hour and totally destroy the microwave, leave a steam iron on high for two days or max out a credit card ordering $40 pecan logs as Christmas presents on QVC...in July.
All you folks that may need to care for you aging parents...you've been warned. 😉
paden cash, post: 456296, member: 20 wrote: All you folks that may need to care for you aging parents...you've been warned. 😉
Just please don't spank them...:eek:
Have a good friend who is 80. His father-in-law died a couple of months ago at 103. His 60 year-old son could easily have been in the position of parenting both a parent and a grandparent.
