In a former life I was a government employee. Not just any government employee, mind you. I had been qualified as a supervising manager, which required me to evaluate each and every one of my underlings bi-annually. I would rather stick a needle in my eye than perform that task...
If I said anything derogatory at all about an employee's performance I opened myself up to the grievance process. A process with which the employee could make my life miserable, in triplicate, and spend thousands of my hours explaining to my supervisors why I felt my employee wasn't worth a cold cup of urine.
In my opinion those evaluations were worthless, simply because they were one-sided. Why ask a supervisor to evaluate an employee if the evaluated employee can formally refute the eval, ultimately requiring re-evaluation on my part? Insanity. I guess that's why I'm not a government employee any more.
Out here in the real world we work for a living. To remain profitable we are required to produce at a competitive level. We produce at a competitive level in a profession that is very unforgiving when it comes to errors or mistakes. Simply put: there is no room for mistakes, or the bone-heads that make them.
I do not employ rocket surgeons. I employ survey help. Directing a work force that sometimes falls short of understanding exactly what they're doing requires regimented procedures. Procedures that have been with us ever since Gunter invented the chain. If an employer of survey helpers institutes proper procedures and they are followed, the resulting recorded measurements have a level of reliability.
I don't let things get too far when an employee screws up. I call it right then and there, in front of everybody. It seems to work. We do good and I'm happy with my employees, even though a couple of them probably couldn't pass a third grade reading exam. I have had a few that I've had to let go. Some are just too far gone to provide with any sort of direction.
IF I had evaluated the ones I've thrown back, their evaluations would probably have some remarks similar to these:
1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a trap.
5. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. She sets low personal goals, then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee should go far --- and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature I.Q. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
13. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
14. Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
15. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. It's hard to believe he beat out
1,000,000 other sperm.
18. Bright as Alaska in December.
19. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but he only gargles.
Happily these people don't work for me anymore...;-)
"cold cup of urine" lmao Actually, I think I will tape a copy of this to my wall
"Out here in the real world we work for a living."
Plus, we are in charge of termination of employees, and that's always fun!!! ;-):'( :bored:
> "cold cup of urine" lmao Actually, I think I will tape a copy of this to my wall
An old friend of mine from TX had many sayings like this.
One of my favorites when referring to someone as being "useless as a bucket of stale piss".
Another favorite:
"If breathin' didn't come natural, he'd suffocate."
My last private sector boss would say s/he is slightly less than useful.
Meaning the economy was roaring, we needed help and this person could contribute but it was aggravating constantly watching over them and keeping them out of trouble.
A drafter worked there for a while, she kept breaking the office equipment. One day she broke the copier. In frustration he said, "SHE COULD BREAK A STEEL BALL!"
> "SHE COULD BREAK A STEEL BALL!"
I had a good friend who I used say "could tear up a hammer". (heard that one from CD Parker on Walker Texas Ranger once)
As God is my witness we were in his workshop one day and I swear, there laid a hammer with both claw teeth broke clear off. The only thing I could imagine is he forgot which end was the business end.
My neighbors are like that as well. They have destroyed 3 of my hand can-openers and 1 toe-nail clipper. I refuse to let them borrow anything mechanical anymore.
"SHE COULD BREAK A STEEL BALL!"
> "SHE COULD BREAK A STEEL BALL!"
I use to tell folks my boys (now 42 and 39) could break an anvil if I gave them enough time. In later years I altered that slightly to bowling ball...some folks don't know what an anvil is.
"SHE COULD BREAK A STEEL BALL!"
One Taco short of a Combo Dinner!
One of my favorites was when an old Party Chief would send a green guy out to look for a henway out by that fence corner 1000 feet away. Then he would just sit and watch while the guy would go out there with a shovel and schonstadt, dig all around said fence post, then finally come back to the truck and ask "What's a henway?"
the response... "About 2-1/2 pounds!"
as a gov employee/supervisor i know what you mean regarding having to perform appraisals. i have to have mine in by nov, 14.
i do try to have fun w/ them though by adding some humorous but true comments on occasion.
my i-man weighed well over 300 pounds at one time and dropped over 100 pounds over the course of a year. on the following appraisal, under accomplishments, i commented that he could now get over a b-wire fence w/out destroying it. he was proud of the weight loss and tickled to get the comment. you gotta give them their props when due.
I'm sorry....what?
Your neighbor came to your door to borrow toe nail clippers?o.O
Don
I'm sorry....what?
> Your neighbor came to your door to borrow toe nail clippers?o.O
>
> Don
Yuk, sometimes it is best not to dwell on the, ...well.... Gross.
Our kids could "tear up Stone Mountain, barefoot".
Me. "What's the difference?"
T.C. Carroll "It's the difference between right and wrong!"
I'm sorry....what?
You know, now that I think about it, maybe they were still trying to open that can that took three hand can openers and still wouldn't open.
Maybe the toe nail clippers represented a new strategy for an old problem. What the heck was in that can, anyway?
Something good, I'll bet.
🙂
Just riffing, Eric.
Drinking beer and having fun.
Don
Sounds like a thankless task.
Here we'd say someone was 'as useful as a hat full of a r s e holes', or 'so tired they couldn't work an iron lung'.
Once my wife was so fed up with a particular nurse on shift she sent the poor girl to the morgue to get a fallopian tube.
Apparently off she went without stopping and thinking about the allocated task.
In the military I had to prepare EER's and OER's. These are reviews for Enlisted People......EER and Officers...........OER).
The Enlisted folks were easy because I had so many really dedicated NCO's and Enlisted people. That form could be used as an honest training tool. I also asked my enlisted people to give me a written response to my evaluation. Too, if they could explain a short coming, I would modify the EER until we were both on the same sheet of music as to what areas they needed to focus upon and show improvement.
The Officers were an entirely different matter. No one is more cockier than an ROTC Butter Bar. They can do no wrong and it was simply a matter of me not being able to understand their superior methodology. My standard response to this attitude was "This Officer could not lead starving wolves to fresh meat.". None of them liked to read that and some even decided that maybe THEY need to re-evaluate the situation.