I need to update my resume...

1974-1975
Childhood was bullchit. I spent the first two years after my parent's
divorce living in some ratty apartments in the South Bronx. He married a
Jewish woman who worked in psychotherapy. There's a shocker. How come
everyone even remotely involved in the field of psychology is so
terminally screwed up? Just an early observation-anyway, if you aren't familiar with the South Bronx, I was the white cultural influence there. I remember screwing up the "7-up" game on my first day in second grade and getting my butt kicked by Tyrone and Jesus after school. Apparently the "7-up" game was sacred to the denizens of the South Bronx, and I most certainly deserved a good butt beating for the sacrilege I had committed. But this experience taught me to be aware of the cultural mores and rituals prevalent in my surroundings, a character trait that will most assuredly be a benefit for me in the work force.

1976-1977
Culture shock is bullchit. I moved from the South Bronx to Norman Oklahoma
in the third grade. I met my first friend, Ritchie, who apparently was one
of many children in Norman that had a booger collection. Using the knowledge
I had gained from my previous butt-beating experiences in New York, I
praised his booger collection and all others that would come across my path. I was a big hit. And unbeknownst to me I was demonstrating a level of butt kissing that takes most men decades to hone. Once again, building my skills to eventually enter the work force. Norman was not a town full of highbrow
intellectual stimulation, a perfect environment for me to develop the
proper skills needed for a respected and valued worker in corporate America.

I learned that when your father is drunk, just like when your boss is
pissed, stay out of the way and look busy. Invaluable information for the young, ambitious corporate ladder climber.

1978-1979
Junior High was bullchit. We had a teacher in Wisconsin that had free
reign to beat the crap out of us kids. He used to call you up to the front of
the class, make you hold out your hands and smash them with a ruler with all
his might. Everyone was too scared to say a word. We got him back though.
Calvin had an attack dog that had a penchant for old white butt. We waited until Halloween, all of us in masks, and set the dog on him in the parking lot. When there was an investigation by the Principal I stepped forward being the "A" student, expressed my innocence, and exposed him for his violent behavior towards the children as the reason for the attack. Ms. Campbell turned out to be quite a pleasant replacement. I have read that the best in the business learned at an early age how to handle difficult situations with extreme measures and inter-personal manipulation. I cannot think of a better example than this.

1980-1984
High school was bullchit. But I did learn another lesson that should
assist me in my mission to be all that an employee can be in this country.
Charisma is everything. Forget Algebra-learn to be charming. Charm, and if you are lucky, good looks, can get you into any door in the world. My freshman English teacher literally gave me an "A" because he liked my style. I didn't even turn in half the moronic projects he had for the class, and if that isn't a hard sell then I don't know what is. I mean really, what the crap is my haiku poem going to do for me? I'll tell you what nodding my head in agreement during a political conversation after school did. It got me a free ride. Once again, demonstrating the art of schmooze that will propel me to fiscally abundant heights with whatever company realizes my lifelong dedication to the Art of American Business.

I also learned to weigh my strengths and weaknesses. My father was on the
board of deans at Syracuse University, so who gives a crap if my Spanish
teacher thought I was an butthole? Know what your future is likely to hold.
And know whose butt to kiss. Important lessons for a young, ambitious
corporate ladder climber.

1985-1989
College was bullchit. All the drugs made me forget all the lessons I'd
learned. By the end I almost had to start all over. Sex, alcohol, and
illegal substances can cloud even the clearest of business minds. But I
did learn yet another important lesson. Men judge other men by how
fantastically good looking and charming the women they are with seem.
And in all fairness, quite often vice versa. For all intents and purposes
you could be the biggest schmucko on campus, but not with Babes on your
arm. With Babes you get into all the best parties. With Babes you don't wait in line at the most popular bar. With Babes you are the envy of every horny
eighteen-year-old dorm room dork. And they fear and respect you. Gaining
respect through fear is almost the most important business related lesson
you can learn. I cannot stress this enough.

1990-1991
Art is bullchit. Resist the urge to explore your innate creativity. In my
case it was music. Heading down the path of artistic enlightenment can
only hinder your chances at financial stability. After college, I spent almost two years in Boulder Colorado. This town, and all like it, including
Madison Wisconsin, should be avoided at all costs by any serious minded future businessman. Although while finding the rampant sex, illegal drugs, and trippy music quite pleasing, it was a hollow experience. Luckily, the
lessons I had learned earlier in life were enough to get me through it
alive. This is another point I cannot stress enough. At all costs, avoid
people wearing tie-dye.

1992-1993
Retail is bullchit. I moved back to Chicago to begin my career in
business. Taking what I could get, I enlisted with a fine young entrepreneur whose particular expertise was shoes. Once again though I learned an important lesson in economics. If you are going to be a small fish, at least be in a big pond. If you are one of only a handful of employees at a ma and pop business, you're going to get blamed for an awful lot of crap that goes
wrong. Take my word for it. Lock yourself into a long-term business relationship with a huge corporate conglomerate. At least there you can bury yourself in relative anonymity, and with the proper butt kissing skills, avoid any blame or responsibility for the majority of your career. And besides, how much profit can you make off of struggling to get some old smelly woman's size twelve foot into the size six shoe she thinks should fit her?

1994-1995
Marrying rich is bullchit. I know what you're thinking-don't look a gift
horse in the mouth. Well I am here to tell you I learned a valuable lesson
while engaged to a millionaire. Living vicariously through someone else's
wealth is not all it's cracked up to be. Sure waking up at noon, eating a
continental breakfast, watching the movie of my choice on our big screen
TV, and then retiring to the computer room for a hard afternoon of computer
gaming doesn't suck. Sure eating out at the finest restaurants, buying
tickets to all the hottest shows and experiencing all that Chicago has to
offer it's elite isn't immediately stale. But when the love fades, and the
music dies down who do you think is going to end up on the streets eh?
That's right.

Very important lesson in business. Earn your own damn money, then you can
treat people like crap all you want. Tired of your current girlfriend? Get
a new one! Throw the old hag out; I'm sure she's got family! Now some folks
have asked me, "Why didn't you use the lessons you had learned earlier in
life, and kissed her butt?" Well for one, nearing the end of our
relationship her butt was getting so freaking big I was afraid I'd get sucked into its gravitational field and never be heard from again. By the time we were through her butt, once two, tiny, quivering mounds of scented flesh had
become twin peaks of Gouda and Brie, with rivers of cottage cheese running
down her thighs. But that's beside the point. The drive to earn lots of
money is an important step for any young businessman. And never let anyone
talk you into taking a philanthropic job such as helping abused children.
It was an entire waste of my time; no one told me those kids had no money.