A funny lawyer joke

Thank you, Mr. Cow. I should know better than to be drinking something at the same time as reading that. At least it is quitting time so the keyboard should be dry by morning!

What's the difference between a cat fish and a lawyer?
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a fish!

-JD-

I have to admit, this sounds better with voice impersonation, but you get the idea.

A big shot New York City lawyer is looking to get away for a vacation. He finds a quaint little bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere West Virginia. It is run by an old man and his 17 year old grand daughter. She is a very pretty girl. The lawyer has the most relaxing weekend of his life and heads back to New York. All year long, he is thinking about this place and cannot wait to get back there. The year goes by and it is vacation time again. He goes to the same place. This year, the grand daughter is looking really good AND she is now 18!! He has another great relaxing weekend, but on the last night there, he and the grand daughter -- get it on. He leaves for the city again and once again, cannot wait for another year to pass. He goes back and this time when he arrives, the girl is holding a baby. His mouth drops to the ground as he asked "Is it mine?" She says "yes it is". He asks "Why didn't you call me? I am very financially secure, I can help you with whatever you need to take care of this baby. I would even marry you." She replies "Well, me and Pa talked it over and we decided we would rather have a bastard in the family than a lawyer. 🙂

One day Saint Peter and Lucifer were having a problem with their boundaries. The following was their dialogue:
Saint Peter: Your fence is a little bit on my side.
Lucifer: Yes, but I won't move it an inch.
St. Peter: Then I'll sue you.
Lucifer: Oh yeah? Where do you think you'll get a lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

O.K., My favorite

Once again.

All of a sudden, a guy at a bar jumps up and yells, "All lawyers are a--holes!"
Another guy at the end of the bar says, "Hey, I really resent that."
First guy says, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an a--hole."

Don

O.K., My favorite

Question: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Answer: Cats keep trying to bury them.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made

A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.

Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought that he was melting?

Question: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
Answer: A leech will drop off when its victim dies.

A farmer had just bought the best used car he could afford, and he was driving it home. One of the town's lawyers was hitching a ride by the side of the road where his BMW had broken down. The farmer picked him up. Being his usual degrading self, the lawyer asked the farmer, "How do you like this new manure spreader you got here?" The farmer replied, "Don't know yet. You're the first load I've hauled."

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."

O.K., My favorite

What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead skunk?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The skid marks leading up to the skunk.

:good:

O.K., My favorite

> Once again.
>
> All of a sudden, a guy at a bar jumps up and yells, "All lawyers are a--holes!"
> Another guy at the end of the bar says, "Hey, I really resent that."
> First guy says, "Why, are you a lawyer?"
>
> "No, I'm an a--hole."
>
> Don

I often say that calling a certain person an a-hole is an insult to all true a-holes.B-)

Lawyer/surveyor

What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

A rooster clucks defiance

What does a surveyor do when he is constipated?

Works it out with a pencil.

Lawyer/surveyor

>
> What does a surveyor do when he is constipated?
>
> Works it out with a pencil.

Not using the sharp end. That is for calculations.
B-)

Lawyer/surveyor

Roadhand and Stephen
These last 2 jokes are the best of the bunch and there have been some pretty good ones above. Keep it up and you can be the entertainment at the next PLSO conference.

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep?

Because deep down, they are good people.

Read in the paper that there was a tragedy where a bus load of attorneys plunged off a cliff and there were no survivors. The tragedy part was that there was two empty seats in the back...

> Read in the paper that there was a tragedy where a bus load of attorneys plunged off a cliff and there were no survivors. The tragedy part was that there was two empty seats in the back...

I came up ona sherrif one day on a bulldozer and asked him what he was doing. He said a bus load of lawyers had just drove off a cliff and he had just finished burying the last one. I was like , My Gosh! every one of them dead? and he replied "Well some of them said that they weren't, but you know how those lawyers lie".:-P

My favorite is from Robin Williams, in I forget which movie: " Did you hear that the scientists have started using lawyers for their experiments instead of rats? It turns out that there are some things even a rat won't do."

Statistics show that 97% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

There is only one lawyer joke -- all the rest are true stories.

Cheers

Graham

What do you call 5 drowned lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
??

A GOOD START

> What do you call 5 drowned lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ?
> ??
>
> A GOOD START

Now if there were 6 zeros behind that 5 it might just be a good start.

B-)

😉 :good: 😛 Amen!