Puns for Educated Minds
1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I like all of them except #16. Not having a grandfather because he died from being gassed in WWI tends to make me not amused.
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a
fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that.... the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two
hides.
A man has been having terrible night mares so he goes to the doctor.
Man: "Doctor I have these terrible dreams. Part of the time I dream I am a tee-pee and part of the time I dream I am a wig-wam."
Doctor: "I know exactly what the problem is. Take these pills and you will be cured."
Man: "That's great Doc. But what is the problem?"
Doctor: "You are two tents."
Don't tell that one to an American Indian. The word "squaw" is considered intensely insulting.
BTW, they are not "Native Americans". They are immigrants like the rest of the country, they just got here first. "First Americans" would be more appropriate. Even though Columbus was not the first European to find these continent. Which is another argument on whether or not these continents should be named after Americus Vespucci.
B-)
God Bless Vespucciland.
(Firesign Theatre, 1960's)
Temporarily Humboldt County on Youtube the best 5 minutes of satire ever.
script
😀 :good:
Now that a lot of people have smart phones and no one seems to eneed a watch, the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce pocket GPS receivers. The maps for the GPS receivers they got off Ebay and were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California (which might not be such a bad thing). This, of course, is the origin of the expression ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!
(old one recycled and cheesily updated for the modern age)
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you
100,000 dinars for it"."But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
That indian squaw math joke one was so bad, I'm going to share it with others so they can appreciate how bad it is.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Who's on first?
Is the definition of native american bogus? And there is a definition of aboriginal as that word is used in the native american definition.
But then again, who would not be an immigrant somewhere down through the history of the world. 😉
Back to the puns:
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
The mathematician worked at home because he only functioned in his domain.
The study of genealogy is a basic requirement for a descent education.
I told my friend about the creative writing class I took, and she said that she had a simile experience.
There was a firefighter who kept going back to college and finally got third degree burnout.
A Surveyor, a Realtor and an Engineer walk into a bar
You'd think one of them would have seen it
Uh..All of y'all above, hang on to your daytime jobs 😉
Y'all have a great week! B-)
My Dad's Dad died a slow death after being gassed with mustard and chlorine in France during WWI.
#16 was a bit gruesome, but Grandad would have laughed. He loved bad puns.
Carry on, Ruel!
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "beat it! we don't serve drinks to the likes of you", so the string leaves and ties himself in a figure 8 and unravels his end a little bit, then he goes back in and sits at the bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out!" and the piece of string says "frayed knot".
