Probably an under discussed topic in many surveying circles, but necessary none the less.
Being the son of a surveyor I learned the art of takin' a squat in the woods rather early. Throughout my career I've been amazed at the number of young adults that find the task abhorrent. I do prefer warm and clean facilities with hot running water, but sometimes that isn't possible. I've even included a step-by-step seminar in some of our safety meetings.
One such safety meeting met with some giggles from the hired help. Seth asked if he really needed instructions on how to take care of his bathroom habits outdoors. I urged him to stand up in front of everyone and show us how he would go about it.
Seth (the Boy Wonder) proudly strutted to the front of the meeting. I explained the design criteria locale was a moderately wooded area, with no deadfall. Seth feigned dropping his drawers and placed his palms on his knees and bent. He looked up at me and proudly announced "like this". The rest of the peanut gallery was still giggling, with a cat call thrown in.
I told Seth to hold still. I pulled my trusty plumb-bob from its sheath and let it drop from the backside of Seth's Wranglers.
"Where's my plumb-bob, Seth?"
"In between my ankles."
"Right. Now bend over more, and tell me where my plumb-bob is at."
"Still in between my ankles."
"Congratulations, Seth, you just fouled your britches", I drove the point home to the group, "It doesn't matter how deep you bend. Your backside will still be directly over you ankles. And gravity doing what it does will ruin your afternoon, and a good pair of blue jeans..unless you make corrective action."
I went on to explain that after 40 years I have seen a good number of amateur poopers make a mess of themselves in the woods. Like I said, it's an art. While style is a preference left up to each individual, I'm a "horizontal log" kind of guy. Leaning up against an upright tree is last resort in my book.
*****************
I had a crew out on a proposed subdivision project one winter, it was probably 1980. The job was about six miles away from the last stop sign and we had all gotten use to not having a gas station or convenience store around.
I'm pretty sure it was during Christmas Break for the school kids, after Christmas. The flu had ravaged our crews. So many hands were sick we had only had a couple of crews working, mine being one. It was cold and the sun hadn't been out for weeks. We were snot-nosed and poorly, all crammed into a 1973 Ford Econoline. Probably not the healthiest place to be, come to think of it.
I got "caught short" and grabbed a roll of TP to seek some privacy. This place use to be a hay field. There were no trees anywhere. I headed for the center-of-section where a pile of tumbleweeds had gathered by the pull posts. There was one scrawny piss elm there also. Luckily I found an old feed bucket and stomped myself out my "spot", trying to be as discreet as I could be. There were only a couple of houses in the surrounding quarters and they were a good eighth mile away, or more.
I had no sooner got situated and was working on the task at hand when I heard children's voices. Without much movement I looked to see a 9 or 10 year old girl with a 4 or 5 year old "little brother" in tow. They were coming down the path along the fence. I estimated they would pass within about 15 feet of me, in plain sight. I was wearing a bright red Land's End woolen CPO jacket. They would surely see me.
I just bowed my head. Thoughts of them running home to Mom with stories of a "grizzly man" with his pants down whirled in my head. This wasn't going to end good at all...
Somehow they made it past me and never took their eyes off the trail. Honest to God I could have handed them the roll of TP I was holding. They never broke stride. The little boy was chattering to the older girl and they were deep in conversation.
How they never saw me, I couldn't tell you. We joked about being able to "reverse your polarity" at times and become invisible. Like people being able to lift cars off of loved ones..
If that is possible. It must have happened that day. B-)
You could always tell that if someone from the field would go into the office after work with a freshly cut, sleeveless shirt, that they had to take care of business in the woods.
Had I-man jump outta the Nodwell up on the slope, one 30 below kinda day, to do his "bidness". Jumped back in, and man, STANK! Turned out he'd crapped in the hood of his refrigiwear! EWWWW!
-JD-
That is nasty!
If you are wearing blue jeans, you always have two pieces of TP with you, the left rear pocket and the right rear pocket.
> Turned out he'd crapped in the hood of his refrigiwear! EWWWW!
See what I mean?
Funny thing is, little girls (at least little country girls) know this from the time they're toddling. I guess guys just aren't use to squattin'...:pinch:
When I worked in Alaska, nothing felt better than a piece of chamois cut from the sleeve from my shirt. The loggers and surveyors always had sleeves of different lengths because some days you forget to bring your butt-wipe.
I don't think I would hire anyone that didn't know how to crap in the woods. How could you trust that idiot with a machete?
> > Turned out he'd crapped in the hood of his refrigiwear! EWWWW!
>
> See what I mean?
>
> Funny thing is, little girls (at least little country girls) know this from the time they're toddling. I guess guys just aren't use to squattin'...:pinch:
Reminds me of my very own true story. Bear with me. I hate writing.
My (now 17 year old) daughter was 4 years old at the time. She was helping me survey way out in the woods and fields way off road. We saw a golden eagle that day. We used the good old ATV for transportation. She said, "Daddy I gotta go".
This was going to be a new experience for both of us.
I showed her how to lean up against the ATV tire so she could do her business.
All went well.
Later that week, back home (in town mind you), you know, right there on Main Street, with the white picket fence, in the 100 year old neighborhood side yard she decides that she needs to go see a man about a horse. So she did.
My beautiful bride, her stay at home mother sees her finishing her duty and pulling up her drawers, and shocked asks, "what were you doing?"
She said, "Daddy taught me."
EDIT: this was number one.
I've been lucky to have had few surveys that far from the facilities. And those that were that far typically were in wooded areas with lots of trees for cover.
It does remind me of a time when I was driving from Flagstaff to Las Vegas with my brother. It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving and the traffic was horrible. We were headed towards the Hoover Dam (this was before the new bridge and bypass was built). The traffic was stop and go for miles.
Of course, I felt my bladder pushing against my belt and knew that it was going to be a LONG time until we made it to a rest stop. Since it was after dark, I told my brother that I was going to step out and walk well off of the shoulder and drain my bladder. I told him that if traffic were to somehow miraculously start rolling he should wait for me. So, I got out of the car and started walking off to try to get at least a reasonable distance from the highway and the endless line of cars with headlights.
This was a time that I definitely was NOT passing unseen. Even though my back was to the highway, I'm sure it was clear to all what I was doing. And the horns started honking all down the highway. I figured there was no point in trying to be inconspicuous, so I waved my hand so that all of the cars behind me on the highway could at least see why everyone was honking.
Good times on long trips...
My Dad liked to take us backpacking in the Southern Sierra high country so we learned early.
I avoid it, though.
I'm fortunate to be pretty regular, I have myself trained to that in the hotel room bathroom every morning at 5:45am like Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I think my system failed once in the past ten years.
I had a young employee who I could set my watch. Traversing through the woods or clearing or whatever, every day about 9am I would look up to see his machete stuck in the ground with vest hung from it. He disappeared into the woods very quietly.
When I have to go, my bare butt doesn't touch anything. I squat down, lean backward, and hold a tree with one hand to avoid falling down. I don't know of these areas with no trees.;-)
About a year ago I told a story on this board about suddenly having to drive to a secluded area to take care of business only to have the owner of the property where I went call a couple of days later and order an elevation certificate for his home. It was about a 10 acre parcel with a lot of woods.
This seems a bit fitting for this thread ...
Gotta go back to work!
-JD-
> You could always tell that if someone from the field would go into the office after work with a freshly cut, sleeveless shirt, that they had to take care of business in the woods.
For that reason alone we always made sure to grab an extra handful of napkins during breakfast or lunch. We called them "s....t tickets".
Doin' it right is absolutely essential. There is no room for error.
Once upon a time when there was no other choice and the situation was getting desperate I backed up to a tree. There was one more log in the woods, you might say. As I walked away I made the mistake of looking back. The log was vertical and leaning against the tree for the entire world to discover. Ewwwwwwwwwww!
As for the young ladies perspective on things, I think back to the years Mrs. Cow was the assistant high school volleyball coach. When the girls were getting tired and not assuming the proper squatting position for receiving a serve she would yell at them to "Get down like your peeing in a pasture." It worked...every time. One young lass apparently became very good at assuming the position as she was labeled "nature girl" by her friends after partying a bit too much and made number two in the backyard of the house hosting the party. I'm not sure if her surveyor father ever heard that story or not.
The best advice I can give people these days is look around for game cameras. I think I might have gotten caught by one a couple of days ago. Never saw it until the owner came out that afternoon to check the pictures. I'm glad to say I left before he downloaded them.
Being a surveyor , I have acquired the art of being able to go , just about anywhere . I have even taken the art to the golf course on a few occasions , golf towels work very well .
> As I walked away I made the mistake of looking back.
I don't ever look back. I figure that's why the good Lord put our eyes facing the other direction. 😉
In the sunny and hot South, I dread having to "go" in warm weather.
The Mosquitos are awful, and you had better not let go of the tree to slap your backside!
Even in the standing position doing number 1, you gotta keep waving......:-)
long as we're talking about it...
What's all this talk about number one and number two? :-S
I don't know about you guys, but I'm either doin' number one, or number three......(1 + 2)!
Try this link:
"How to S*it in the woods"
http://www.amazon.com/How-S*it-Woods-Edition-Environmentally/dp/1580083633
NOTE: This site will not let me post the website due to the word S*hit - - in order to make it work replace the * with a h.
