First day of school. Class has been in session for two hours. Suddenly, in walks a boy. The teacher asks, "Who are you and why are you late?" He says, "I'm Johnny Jones and I've been on top of Blueberry Hill all morning." She tells him to take a seat and not be late again. Several minutes later the teacher looks up to find a girl walking into the room. The teacher asks, "Who are you and why are you late?" She says, "I'm Blueberry Hill and......."
A rabbi, priest and goat walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says,"What is this, some kind of joke?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop..."
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you care for a drink?"
Descartes says, "No, I think not...."
and vanishes.
Wish I had your knack for telling them.
ends with........"and then my dad got a job."
Poll - Funniest Joke-For Sunday
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 .
She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.
After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Poll - Funniest Joke-For Sunday
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his
head for a moment before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so
observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
The potato...goes in the front.
Paul the Irishman
One of the top ten jokes ever posted here (actually it was on the old board now that I think about it) was told by the Australian fellow who called himself Paul the Irishman. I won't insult him by attempting to tell it myself, but some of you may remember the "Twinkie Story."
Don
Sorry, Brad. Not familiar with that one.
Just curious to see how many are. Back later to tell it...
Have posted this before, but it still seems pretty good.
Have you ever wondered where the phrase “You Gotta Be Shi??in’ Me’” came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington ‘s boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware .
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’
So they trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’
Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.’
And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shi??in’ me.
And on that same theme, there's this one.
Peters was the university's star fullback. A few days before the big game, he injured his leg during a practice scrimmage and was told he would be unable to play in the game of the year. The college paper planned to announce the sad news with the headline, "Team Will Play Without Peters."
However, the Dean caught this bit of college humor before the paper went to press and ordered the editor to change it or be kicked off the paper. The editor complied, and Saturday morning the paper hit the campus with the headline, "Team Will Play With Peters Out."
A length of rope goes into a bar to buy a drink.
Bartender says "We don't serve ropes around here."
The rope goes out and ties himself into a clove hitch, messes his hair up and goes back into the bar.
The bartender says "Aren't you that rope I just kicked out of her?"
The rope says "Nope, I'm afraid not (a frayed knot)."
There is another one that is not appropriate in mixed company involving a German spy caught by the US Army in WWII and the hand signals used in trying to interrogate him.
Origin of the phrase, "You wouldn't s*** me now, would you?"
A little field mouse is out frolicking in the meadow one sunny day when suddenly his world goes dark. Not only is it dark, but, slick and slimy all around him. He trudges forward towards a dim light at the end of a long serpentine tunnel. With all his effort he forces his head through the tight, yet elastic, hole at the tunnel end. He discovers he has been swallowed whole by a huge hawk and has his head protruding from the tailfeather reqion. The world below is not right. Everything is incredibly tiny. He says, "Hey, hawk. How high up are we?" The answer is, "6000 feet above the groud, I think." The mouse in disbelief says, "You wouldn't s*** me now, would you?"
Hilarious, but potentially fatal
Ask the most conservative, uptight, anal-retentive fellow you know the following: "Hey, pal. Do you have any pictures of your wife naked?" When he loudly blurts out, "NO!!!!!", smile and say, "Would you like to see a few?" as you reach in your jacket pocket.
A single guy goes to a beach resort for a week, naturally interested in having some female companionship.
On the first day, he can't seem to make any progress, but he notices a guy just down the beach who seems to have them grouped around him most of the day. So, at the end of the day, he walks over and says, "I noticed you were getting a lot of attention with the ladies. If I can inquire, what's your secret?"
The euro guy says, "well, I don't normally give out my secrets, but I'll tell you, I wear these european speedo swimsuits that show off my assets."
The following day, single guy wears one of these speedos, and does actually have a few women paying attention to him, but the other guy still has quite a few more. So single guy goes up to him at the end of the day, and asks if there might be anything else he can do.
So euro guy says, "you must promise not to tell, but I um...place a potato inside my speedo suit."
So single guy follows his advice the following day, but that day no women at all paid attention to him, and in fact, seemed to avoid him altogether. So single guy talks to euro guy again at the end of the day, explaining the situation.
And, of course, euro guy says, The potato goes...in the front.
> ends with........"and then my dad got a job."
THAT'S THE 1!!!!!!
:clap: :good:
The driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig and plowed into an empty tollbooth smashing it to pieces. He climbed down from the truck and surveyed the wreckage.
With in a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than half an hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.:-)
Hilarious, but potentially fatal
Another one is to call 2 or 3 times after bedtime someone you are at odds with and ask for George. About 4 AM, call again and identify yourself as George and ask if there are any messages.
jud
Hilarious, but potentially fatal
Knew a kid in high school who asked the new ag teacher that. As I remember, it didn't work out too good for him.
There was an unfortunate young man who was down to his last dollar. As he was walking along the street, he found a produce store. He saw that he could afford one apple. So he went into the store and bought one. As he was eating his apple, he found a worm in it. "Yuck" he said as he was about to throw the apple out.
"Wait!" said the worm. "I'm a lucky worm. My name is Motor and as long as you keep me by your side, good luck will happen to you." The man was skeptical, but he thought "What have I got to lose?" So he kept Motor by his side. And wouldn't you know it--it worked! Soon he was working at a good paying job. He won the lottery. He married a beautiful woman. He had GPS, Wild Heerbrugg Theodolites, a Lincoln automobile, and a pink Cadillac work truck(before the Escalade),in his garage on his beautiful estate. And all because of Motor.
But one day, Motor disappeared! The man lost his job. The Survey equipment and luxury cars got repo'ed. The house and estate were foreclosed on. The beautiful woman divorced him. Soon he was down to his last dollar again. But he happened upon the same produce shop again. So with his last dollar, he bought an apple. He bit into it. And wouldn't you know it.......
Out bored Motor!
