Got one. Share it. We all could use a guilty grin on our face from time to time, especially at times when we have nothing to feel guilty about.
Once upon a time............
An old bachelor farmer who lived far from the main road received a surprise visit one day from a stranger. He had wandered too far from a hard-surfaced road and had stuck his fancy car in a surprisingly large mud hole. Upon seeing a light in the farmer's window he had headed that direction in hopes of getting help. The old farmer welcomed him into his simple little house but explained it would be the next morning before he could do anything to help. He invited the stranger to eat supper with him, spend the night, and then they could tackle the mud hole problem first thing in the morning once the farmer's horses had a full night's rest.
The stranger, seeing no alternative, agreed. As the old bachelor went about preparing a meal large enough for two the stranger noted something odd. The house was a mess and in much need of a proper cleaning, but, somehow, the dining table and all plates, cups and saucers were sparkling clean. As they were eating the stranger made note of how marvelously clean the plates and silverware were considering the rather crude conditions. The old farmer simply said, "They get as clean as cold water can get them."
Later, as the two were chatting, the old bachelor's dog let go with a terrible gaseous emission from his lower area. Immediately he chastised the dog and said, "Coldwater, get out of here! You stink!"
The small school had a new teacher who was also new to the area and knew none of her students. She prided herself on her punctuality so when 8:30 came around on the morning of the first day of school she clapped her hands to get the attention of all of the students. She promptly went about asking each of them their name and then positioned their seating to be in alphabetical order to assist her in remembering all of their names.
Thirty minutes later, a boy came in to join her class. His tardiness disturbed her greatly so she roughly asked, "Who are you and where have you been all morning?" He responded that his name was Johnny Green and that he had spent the morning on top of Blueberry Hill on his way to school. So, she set about rearranging the seating to put Johnny in his proper location.
A few minutes later, a girl came in to join her class. Now, the new teacher was quite upset so she demanded, "Who are you and where have you been all morning?" She responded, "My name is Blueberry Hill and..................................
As remembered from an episode of the Our Gang/Little Rascals as shown on TV about 55 years ago...................
Teacher: Who can use the word 'isthmus' in a sentence for me?
Entire Class: (total silence)
Teacher: In that case........Stymie, use the word 'isthmus' in a sentence for the whole class to hear.
Stymie: (after a bit of thought) I just found a nickel on the ground, so isthmus be my lucky day.
Young boy hears a noise late one light and investigates. He finds his father in the bathroom putting on a condom. The boy asks, "Daddy, What are you doing?"
A little embarrassed and not wanting to get into a lengthy 'birds and bees' discussion the father replies, "I'm looking for mice."
The boy, somewhat confused, asks, "You gonna screw 'em?"
Remember the Little Moron jokes that were so popular a few decades back? One of my favorites was this one.
One day the Little Moron discovered a tall board fence with a sign on it that read: NUDIST COLONY. Not knowing precisely what that meant he searched until he found an open knothole in one of the boards. He pressed one eye up to the knothole and saw a very beautiful, very shapely woman standing a few feet away. He immediately thought to himself, "Dang! I'd love to see her in a tight sweater!"
I'm fond of "Polish Jokes" mainly because my wife's family is of Polski extraction (they talk Polish sometimes at their house).
One of my favs:
"Didja hear da one about the Polack that locked his keys in da car? Took him an hour to get his wife and kids out..."
or...
Polish fella goes to the optometrist. He sits in the exam chair and the doctor asks him, "Can you read that chart on the wall?"
The patient squints and replies, "Read it? Hell, I know him. That's my next door neighbor!"
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office chanting "I'm a wigwam", "I'm a Tepee" over and over.
Doc says "Relax buddy, you're two tents"
Old guy sits down on a park bench waiting for the bus. Sitting at the other end of the bench is a 20 something kid. His head is shaved on the sides, about a 6" green dyed Mohawk, pierced just about everywhere, and some facial tattoos to boot. Kid catches the old man staring at him and says "What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy in your life?" Old man pipes up and says "Yeah! I f'd a peacock one time, just wondering if you were my son!"
Old man sitting on a park bench. His buddy of many years comes and sits next to him.
One asks, "You been gettin' any on the side lately?"
The other replies, somewhat perplexed, "Hell, it's been so long, I didn't know they moved it.."
Holy Cow, post: 349302, member: 50 wrote: times when we have nothing to feel guilty about
And how often does that happen? :whistle:
Sleeping helps with that. Most of the rest of the time I'm doing something that someone, somewhere, for some reason would deem inappropriate. Although, I must admit to learning a few things the hard way over the years. Little things like never ask a fat woman when the baby is due.
Ok HC, I'll probably get banished forever into TDD land but here goes anyway....
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence:
1. Foreclose, If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
2. Rectum, I had two Cadillacs, but my bit#h rectum both.
3. Hotel, I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.
4. Disappointment, My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Penis, I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. Israel, Tito tried to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bull$hit, that watch israel".
7. Catacomb, I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
8. Undermine, There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
9. Acoustic, When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.
10. Iraq, When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
11. Stain, My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
12. Seldom, ÛÏ My cousin gave me tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.Û
13. Honor, At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?
14. Dictate, My girfriend say my (expletive deleted) tastes good.
15. Odyssey, I tol' my brother, "You odyssey the (mammary glands) on that ho!"
16. Axe, After school today, the police want to axe me some questions.
17. Fortify, I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "fortify."
18. Income, I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
:whistle:
FL/GA PLS., post: 349351, member: 379 wrote:
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:....:whistle:
I love it. Ever single one of them...and there's probably more. I especially like "you can play with toys all your life". B-)
On a side note...I can't ever figure out why men make women so mad all the time...we are so damned predictable. We act almost exactly the same in any given situation.
Women ought to be used to us by now....
I thank God, every day; that men get to wear comfortable footwear.
paden cash, post: 349355, member: 20 wrote:
Women ought to be used to us by now....
It took SWMBO 40 years; but she's finally coming around....B-)
"It took SWMBO 40 years; but she's finally coming around....B-)"
Same as me, but somewhat different....sigh
It took SWMBO 46 years; but I'm finally coming around.. (or so She thinks) 😉
Maybe we're just getting to old to chase train-wrecks; you know, like we used to...:angel:
A rope goes into a bar and slithers up on the bar stool and yells "Hey barkeep, Gimme a beer". Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
So he slithers outside and sits on the curb until a pretty lady comes by. He asks her to beat him up. So she does. Then he asks her to tie him in a knot. She does, and the raggedy rope wriggles back inside to the bar stool and yells "Hey barkeep, Gimme a beer". Bartender says "Aren't you the same rope I threw out of here a little bit ago?" He replies "NO, I'm a frayed knot."
They do is because they can anytime they want to
Not an old joke, but weird enough to be funny.
The truth.
I attended an orchestra concert put on at a middle school, so 6th,7th and 8th graders. This is a community with an extremely wide ethic variety. One young violinist, whose last name suggested Asian ancestry, had the uncommon first name of Dingding. Not sure if Dingding is male or female, but, if female, I hope someday she falls in love with Mr. Bell. The name, Dingding Bell, has a ring to it.
Another viola player's ancestors must be from somewhere between Kentucky and Georgia. His hyphenated last name was White-Lightning.
