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(@ragoodwin)
Posts: 479
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hello everyone,
first post here- posted a few times on the other board, but this seems to be the place to hang out- i know i just offended somebody.. sorry.

Several weeks ago, i read what i thought was a great post about kids nowadays and how good they have- i totally agree.
So, Saturday night, my wife and kids went out for the evening with 2 of our three kids- the thirteen year old daughter wanted to stay home because she had been on an overnight church outing on Friday- she said she was going to sleep..
Twenty minutes later, she called me, screaming, crying, couldnt hardly understand her..
She had taken the spare keys to her mom's 2009 Honda Accord, on a little "joy ride",
and slammed into a telephone pole - car totaled, thank god she wasnt hurt- after thanking god, the wrath has begun..
We give our kids all we can- just built a new house, cell phones, summer camps, --
What was the reason she did it? - i think it had alot to do with being "cool", she said she thought she knew how to drive, she wasnt thinking, etc,
Fortunately, she wasnt killed, didnt kill anyone else, and didnt have anyone with her.
Her punishment as of now-- of course no cell phone, house arrest by me for the next year, no friends over, taken out of school atheletics which she loved,( cant trust her after practice until i can pick her up) and she has to carry the license plate that was ripped off the car, with her whenever she does leave the house and comes with us if we go anywhere.
Too hard? or not enough punishment?
State law- she cant get her D.L. until she is eighteen. (Texas)[msg][/msg]

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 9:58 am
(@vanishing-evidence)
Posts: 122
 

That's a tough situation to deal with, but I agree that you have to be firm, for her sake. That being said, I might try to find someway to replace the athletic ban with extra work or volunteer work in a nursing home, etc. (not because she likes athletics, but because she needs to be physically fit.) That's if you can find a way to have her supervised after practice. just my opinion. Tough situation.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:05 am
(@paden-cash)
Posts: 11088
 

At least she called you when the accident happened. She could have cooked up a big story. Sounds like her heart is in the right place.

Whatever punishment you deem fit as her parent is proper as long as you are consistent.

Oh, and make her buy her own dang car. After she gets her own place.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:11 am
(@daniel-s-mccabe)
Posts: 1457
 

Kids are kids, there really is no rhyme or reason to what they do or what they don't do.

My dad did the same basic thing at 15 to my grand parents milk truck, but went further and knocked some poor old lady out of her bed.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:11 am
(@ragoodwin)
Posts: 479
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she will be buying her own car- the honda would have been hers when she turned 16- it would have been paid off-
fortunatly, we found out yesterday the insurance is going to cover all costs- we had full coverage- i was surprised- i guess it depends on the company.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:22 am
 jud
(@jud)
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The rewards she is getting for her choices will only cause resentment. Like training anything be it a horse, dog or kids, the rewards both positive and negative needs to be just, consistent and more importantly needs to be immediate. That is why spankings work so much better than grounding. Grounding in the minds of kids in a very short time becomes something to be resented and the reasons for that grounding are long forgotten. Can't tell you how to raise your kids, you will do what you feel is appropriate. Doing nothing would be the worst thing you could do, choices do have consequences that some are not taught, failing to teach that to your kids is child abuse that will follow them all of their lives. Glad it was only the car totaled and happy the girl is ok.
jud

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:26 am
(@dougie)
Posts: 7889
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The follow up is key.

When it's all over, make sure she looks you in the eye and explains to you, in her own words, what she has learned from this.

Good luck,
Radar

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:26 am
(@andy-j)
Posts: 3121
 

Well, it's up to you, but I don't think I'd make her carry the license plate around.

I would maybe turn it into some art work or something. Kids make mistakes, I don't know if rubbing her nose in it for a year would be the thing to do. You might end up alienating her for much longer. If your punishment seems fine now while you're still "in the moment" , what happens in 6 months or so when you really realize how lucky you all are. I'm glad that she called you and no one was hurt.

Andy

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:27 am
(@ragoodwin)
Posts: 479
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the license plate thing probably wont last long- it is kinda of like that judge that makes the people who steal from a store carry a big billboard on their body for 5 working days in front of the store that reads "I STOLE FROM THIS STORE"

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:36 am
(@dave-ingram)
Posts: 2142
 

Thank goodness that she is OK. As to your punishments, I'd maybe think again about school athletics. Let me relate a lesser situation we had with our daughter.

She came home from school one night holding one of those yellow sheets of paper that police like to hand out when you are going a little too fast. She didn't even need to tell me what it was - I know them on sight! So we spoke for a minute and I then told her to go tell her mother.

So she diappears down the hall and about 10 minutes later she comes back, says mother wants to talk to me, and she heads downstairs to her room. I walk down to talk with SWMBO and busted out laughing - couldn't help it. Wife looks at me and says "You think this is funny don't you?" in her most sarcastic voice. I mean what can I say with all the tickets I've had over the years. Of course my wife is just the opposite - never a ticket of any kind, not even a parking ticket, not a scratch on a car, etc. etc. It's totally disgusting!

So, at any rate, punishment is nothing but church & school activities for a while and she had to pay her own ticket. No effort to speak with the judge whom I knew. And as far as I know she's never had another - learned her lesson.

And while it may take a while to trust her again, you've got to do it and explain to her what it will take to earn the trust back. But school activities (not parties, not team outings, not sporting events that she's not participating in, etc) are an essential part of growing up. Just have a talk with the coach and let him/her know what the limitations are.

Just my rambling thoughts along with a little bit of amusement.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:49 am
(@foggyidea)
Posts: 3467
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I think that Van. evidence has a good suggestion. Instead of making this a take it all away thing it makes her give something back.

Plus, high school athletics can have an impact on college applications. I don't think that you really want to have a negative impact there!

one other thing, she screwed up, yes, but that doesn't mean you can't trust her any longer. She did make the right decision, at the time it mattered most, in calling you..

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:50 am
(@joe-the-surveyor)
Posts: 1948
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Only you know whats best for your child.
I agree though that taking her out of school sports might be a bit much.
I also think like others have said, that she did call you first, was honest about the situation, and didn't hold back from the details of what happened. Theres something to be said for that...don't take it for granted.

All in all, she is a kid, and will make mistakes like all of us. Not saying its a minor one, not at all...but try and make some postive out of a negative....

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 10:55 am
(@ragoodwin)
Posts: 479
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guys , I appreciate the comments very much-
I will let my wife read these posts tonight- initial reaction was to take everything away from her- we were in shock.
i am tending to agree about the atheletic comments- she plays girls softball, basketball, track.. she can keep up with the boys... I might want to reconsider the sports thing-- school just started yesterday for her- 8th grade....

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 11:03 am
(@ryan-versteeg)
Posts: 526
 

Wow. Thank god she is safe.

I was driving past the main corner near my house about a year ago and there was a kid, maybe 11 or 12, walking from corner to corner at the intersection (in the crosswalks) wearing a board that said, in huge letters, "This is my attitude adjustment weekend."

Jud - I agree with you but 13 is a little old for spanking, and it definitely will not have the same effect as a teen being without their cell phone for a year.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 11:05 am
(@ragoodwin)
Posts: 479
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yeah, i didnt spank - something i never really liked to do- my dad was 6"6" and 280 pounds and never laid a hand on me- he didnt have to- he was scary enough!
Had it been my Tundra that was wrecked, i would have probably been in jail for child abuse!
i think surveying is much easier than child raising....

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 11:12 am
(@d-j-fenton)
Posts: 471
 

> Plus, high school athletics can have an impact on college applications. I don't think that you really want to have a negative impact there!

I was thinking the same thing.

I also don't think work and community service should be a form of punishment used by parents, leave that to the courts, you don't want to sour her on those things.

Today you need to hit kids where they live, and that is phone, ipod, video games, internet activities and any other techno-entertainment you can think of.

At least she called you when it mattered.

Full disclosure: I have no kids, but have watched how nieces and nephews responded to punishments for 25 years or so.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 11:13 am
 jud
(@jud)
Posts: 1920
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I don't know Ryan, I went from the bare hand to a razor strap, then graduated on to a paddle and the last tool used in my higher education was the same paddle with 1/2" holes bored through it, boy could that puppy sting. It did not kill me but it did cause much resentment because it was not fairly done, I got the treatment many times for things I did not do. just one part of the reason I was in the Navy within 3 weeks of my 17th birthday.
jud

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 11:15 am
(@adamsurveyor)
Posts: 1487
 

Too hard in my opinion. Of course I would never tell you how to raise your kids, but you did ask for opinions.

Good luck. I am glad she is okay. I hope she still feels she can talk to you about this stuff. I think it is a tough decision.

In my opinion she should never want to do something like this again because she understands that she could have killed someone else or herself; not because she knows you will give her house arrest and take away play time. I would think that the latter will just influence her to want to hide the truth and the former would make her want to actually not do such a stunt again.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 11:15 am
(@jeff-d-opperman)
Posts: 198
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I think you have a golden opportunity here to get much closer to your daughter or to let her drift away from you. It's not possible for us to tell because no one here knows what has been going on or what your present relationship is with her. I was always firm with my two sons, but I always wanted them to believe that my wife and I were the two people in this world that they could always count the most upon. I didn't want to punish them for long durations, but I did want to make the punishment sufficient and then move on down the road to better things for the both of us. I think that she has to believe that she has hurt you by not doing what was right, but she also has to know that calling you was the right thing to do and will always be the right thing to do. She probably needs your love and trust more now than ever - the love will always be there, the trust will have to be re-earned. This would be a good time for you to have the wisdom of Solomon, but as it is, we just have to search our own souls and come up with the best wisdom possible. I always let my sons know that I didn't always make the right decision, but that I made the best decision I felt was possible for their good and that they had to trust me to do so. Removing her from sports could impact her for much longer than 1 year and besides, the State has already got her punishment lined up by extending the date of her license by two years. I would re-examine who her friends are and try to limit her exposure to those that you think might be a bad influence on her or with her. And above all, pray for the wisdom to lead your family correctly.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 11:16 am
(@ragoodwin)
Posts: 479
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Adam,
I appreciate all comments- thank you.

 
Posted : August 24, 2010 11:21 am
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