Thought some of you might appreciate these:
My favorite:
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I think I've heard most -- if not all -- of those at one time or another, but it was fun to read them all again!
Some new material for me, (and I collect walks into a bar jokes...)
A blind man w/ a seeing eye dog walks into a bar and grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging him around in circles, knocking over beers, drinks and glasses.
"Hey, what are you doing?", yells the bartenter.
"Just taking a look around", says the blind man.
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A termite walks into a bar and asks,"Is the bartender here?"
About twenty years ago someone gave me a "book of terms" for computer lingo. Things like hard drive, floppy disc, etc. so the average Joe wouldn't feel like a dumbass when folks started talking about computers and programming.
I was thumbing through it and came to the term "endless loop". The definition stated "see loop, endless". So I flipped over to loop, endless and the definition stated "see endless loop."
Probably some of the finest sublime humor of the day, for sure.
Lowbrow bar jokes
A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't get many of your kind, but you know, we have drink named after you."
The grasshopper replied, "I was going to have a beer, but since it's named after me, I guess I'll try a Steve."
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Descartes walked into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replied "I think not" and POOF -- he vanished.
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A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
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Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
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A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why the long face, buddy?"
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A man walked into a bar and tried to order a drink. The bartender told him, "You gotta leave. This is a classy place and requires a tie."
He protested but the bartender warned him not to start any trouble, and he left. He searched his car for anything that could pass for a tie. The best he could do was a pair of jumper cables, so he put them around his neck and came back in. "Will this do?"
"I suppose, just don't try to start anything."
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A mushroom walked into a bar. The bartender told him to leave, and he asked, "Why can't I stay? I'm a fungi."
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A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
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A rabbi, a horse, and a penguin walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and asked, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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A dog limped into a bar and looked around. The bartender asked, "What do you want?" The dog answered, "I'm lookin for the varmit that shot my paw."
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A little green man walked into a bar and ordered a beer in very broken English. The bartender figured he wouldn't know anything about the money and said, "That'll be $20. The man paid up, and the bartender started to make conversation. "We don't get many of your kind here." "Well, at $20 for a beer, I'm not surprised."
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And a different kind of bar joke:
A guy sitting at a bar figures he's had enough to drink and he should go home. He tries to stand up but falls. He tries again, and again he falls down, so he figures he'll just crawl outside and try to stand up then. When he gets outside, he pulls himself up at a parking meter, but falls down again.
Since he only lives a couple of blocks away, he decides to just crawl home. When he gets to his front door he tries to get up again, but again he falls down. Not wanting to wake up his wife, he crawls into his house, up the stairs to his bedroom and into bed and falls asleep.
The next morning, his wife angrily wakes him up saying, "You were drinking last night!"
"No I wasn't" replies the man in mock indignation.
"Don't lie to me," the wife says, "the bar just called and said you left your wheelchair there last night!"
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A very old-looking man walked into a bar, weeping and moaning, so the bartender approaches him and asks what's wrong.
The old man answers, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman."
The bartender nods his head, saying, "Don't worry, it may seem that you don't have a lot in common, but maybe this is an opportunity for each of you to grow!"
The old man shakes his head, saying, "No, that's not the problem! We have everything in common! And she's smart, funny, and wonderful to be around."
The bartender looks at the man confused, then says, "So you're worried she just married you for your money, then?"
The old man says, "No -- she's an heiress! She has twice the money I do."
The bartender is even more confused now. "Is it a sex problem? I know a great urologist."
The old man just shakes his head and howls, "No, no. We make love morning, noon and night."
The bartender gives him a look of bewilderment and says, "It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, "I can't remember where I live!!!!"
Kinda like a modern dictionary I saw. For "infinity", it says "see infinity".
Lowbrow bar jokes
An engineer, a surveyor, a real estate agent and a lawyer walk into a bar together and each order a $3 beer.
The waitress brings the beers and admits that she is not good with math. Can they help her with the total?
The engineer replies "that would be exactly twelve point zero-zero-zero dollars"; the waitress looks perplexed.
The surveyor replies "that would be twelve dollars more or less"; the waitress looks perplexed.
The real estate agent replies "I can't add, I can only multiply by 6%"; the waitress looks perplexed.
The lawyer replies "What would you like it to be?"
