What is your no.1 top funniest joke of all times?
your momma
Not the funniest, but you know
Sometimes things are going on, that make them funny!
Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.
My Dad used to tell this joke:
Once upon a time in an Indian village, there lived three squaws. Two squaws had young sons who were very overweight. The first squaw, whose son weighed 150 pounds, always placed her son on a bear hide near a pine grove; the second squaw, whose son also weighed 150 pounds, put her son on a moose hide in the shade of a large oak tree; but the third squaw, who was expecting the birth of her first son, always rested on a hippopotamus hide beside a bubbling brook. Her weight? 300 pounds!
To this day, mathematicians give credit to these women and their children for proving the Pythagorean Theorem, because you see: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Number 39.
My Dad used to tell this joke:
As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food but no can-opener. A day later, the rooms are opened one by one.
In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point.
In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and 'pop'!
In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, 'Assume the can is open, assume the can is open...'
My Dad used to tell this joke:
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
Why did the calf go around his mama?
To get to the udder side.....
What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts. 😉
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
My Dad used to tell this joke:
All of those came from here:
My Dad used to tell the Pythagorean joke when were little kids, of course we didn't get it. He was a Civil Engineer. I think his version was a little different. It seem to me he said Squaw on the Hippopotamus Hide had two sons so that the punch line was "The sons of the Squaw on the Hippopotamus Hide equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides."
This may have been posted here before.
Three hobos were walking down the railroad tracks, when the first one spoke up. "See that spot over there?" said the first. "That's my lucky spot. I found ten dollars over there, and used the money to buy some Ripple."
"That's nothing!" said the second hobo. "I found twenty dollars right over there", he said, pointing to another spot near the tracks. "And I bought myself a case of beer and got drunker than hell!"
After a few minutes of walking, the third hobo spoke up. "I got you both beat. Right here, I found a woman tied up on the tracks, so I untied her and we had sex all day long!"
"Wow, that's incredible said the other two hobo's. Was she a blonde, Brunette, or Redhead?"
"I don't know", said the third hobo. "I never did find her head!"
My Dad used to tell this joke:
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks up and says "Jeez buddy, why the long face?"
My Dad used to tell this joke:
*Rimshot*
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week!
My Dad used to tell this joke:
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar; he say, I'm looking for the guy who shot my Paw...
My Dad used to tell this joke:
A Puppy walks into a bar to get his father's blue ribbon. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The puppy replies, "Pap's Blue Ribbon!"
The little moron was looking through a knothole in the privacy fence around a nudist colony. After seeing a gorgeous young woman inside he commented, "Boy, I'd like to see her in a tight sweater."
So this grashopper walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grashopper looks up and says "You have a drink named Steve?"
Yo mama so stinky she uses Right Guard and Left Guard.
Yo mama's house so dirty that people have to wipe their feet to go outside.
Yo mama is so slow it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
A hydrogen atom walks into a bar,
'I've lost an electron'
'You sure about that?'
'Yup, I'm positive!'
Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...
I said she was f%&king Goofy!
Donald Duck went to his neighborhood drug store to buy his first condom. Being a duck, and not really knowing what they are, he wanted to be as discreet as possible so he asked to speak to the pharmacist in private. The pharmacist being sensitive to Donalds situation, took him in his office and gave him a brief instruction on the use. When he was finished Donald went up to the register to check out. The young cashier rang him up and said that will be $4.95 plus tax, would you like me to just put this on your bill? Donald replied: Tax!! I thought they rolled on, and heck no I dont want it on my bill. What kind of duck do you think I am?
