A Letter to Mom...

I thought I'd share this with you guys... sort of explains why I have been quiet over the past year or so... 仫 Angel 仫

Dear Mom...

I write this today because I know tomorrow I will be in no way, shape, or form to write, let alone function.

Tomorrow at 1:23 am it will be exactly one year that you died in my arms. That day and the events of Oct. 18th that led up to your death on Oct. 19th has by far been the worse day of my life, and this has been the hardest YEAR of my life. Watching you go through that entire horrible event ripped my heart & soul right out of my chest. I don't know how I survived that night, but I promised you I would not leave you, and I didn't. I held onto you as you looked at me and dad and took your last breath and left this life forever. I feel like a small part inside of me also died that night. I cannot even begin to explain in words how much I miss you and love you. I keep wishing you'd call me, just so I can hear your voice. I can call and hear your voice on the answering machine, but as soon as I hear you, I shake and cry and have to hang up. It is like a homesickness that never goes away.

I was hoping that with a year passing by, that the agonizing pain in my heart from losing you would ease up some, but it hasn't really. Well, maybe in some ways it has. I think the fog and shock have finally left. I can now somewhat function as a human being again. I am getting back on track with things I love to do. And...I am following through with what I promised you I'd do, and what you nagged me to do right before you died. "Go take care of dying people, Angel! They need you!" I think you would be proud of me. I treat every patient I take care of as my own family member. I tell families I lost my mom a year ago and they seem to understand and "get it". The families, the doctors, the nurses, etc... they thank me over and over for what I do. They ask me if Angel is really my name? They say it fits. It's very humbling and appreciated but you know me... I shy away from the praise. Somehow, when I am with a dying person, I swear I feel you in the room close by me. I can so picture you there hugging me and beaming, and then ragging on my baseball team. (BTW I got news for you...your team sucked worse than mine this year! )

I went home earlier this month and spent some time with Dad. It was my first time back home since you died. It was so strange going to your house and seeing dad, the cats, the pool, Homer, etc... and not having you there. It's WEIRD. THE HOUSE WAS CLEAN THOUGH! I was shocked! Bella followed me around and would not let me out of her sight. She slept on top of my suitcase. Bootie did not give a shit unless I fed him. They miss you. Dad REALLY misses you. He's missing you probably more than me! He's doing good otherwise. He's still got his "midnight doughnut stash". Dad, Wendell and I went to your favorite eating places and reminisced. We finally went to El Tepayac and got that damn burrito! I also got to spend time with Aunt Phyl and Gykza. They also miss you so much!! I gave Aunt Phyl your towel with your name embroidered on it; I thought it should go to her being you two share the same name. And yes, I got my "F**king Cookies".

Remember the little plant you left outside in the scorching heat that was å? dead? "Take that damn plant home, Angel. I'll wind up killing it. You'll revive it." Well...you should see it now. It is amazing at what one year has done for this little plant! It's thriving and happy. Sometimes I wonder if you've had a spiritual part of this plants revival.

When I drive Figgie, I also feel your presence. I can SO hear you saying "Good name for that car!" Plus the damn car has a mind of its own. The lights go on, the lights go off. It has a new battery but yet it will not start for me when I am in a bad mood. The heated seats...well...not funny when it's summertime and my ass is frying! I've taken the car in to the mechanic but they never find anything wrong. She runs perfectly whenever Wendell drives her. Go figure.

I still have plans to take some of your ashes back home to Buffalo as I promised you, as well as Hawaii. And yes, I will go to St. Louis and "See my F**king Cardinals!" I just haven't had the heart to do it yet. Then, I will do the other thing you asked me to do and put you into the ground next to your sister and brothers up at Forest Lawn. Miranda is going to design your headstone. I am sure a cat icon of some sort will be incorporated into the design. it will be beautiful, just as you were too.

Aww Mom...I miss your bitching. I miss your smile. I miss your feisty attitude. I miss you calling me to pick on my baseball team. I miss braiding your hair. I miss scratching your back and rubbing your feet. I miss you being a backseat driver. I miss your green eyes. I miss your beautiful fingernails. But most of all, I miss YOU.

Today, in your honor, I am going to go do what you enjoyed...I'm going to the casino to have dinner, and then I will go play your favorite #'s on a Keno machine. I hope you can tell the so-called Keno machine to be generous to your daughter.

I Love You Mom. Forever and Always, For All Eternity.
Love Angel

仫 My Beautiful Momma... 仫

Plant: Sept. 2015 Plant: Oct. 2016