When you walk out the front door and see this...
Andy
Ah, the sentinel watch-keepers of the portal.
That sort of gets your attention, doesn't it?
Several years ago I was attending a graveside service for a friend's uncle.?ÿ The crowd had gathered on time but the hearse was running late.?ÿ As we waited we noticed two turkey buzzards arrive and begin to circle the little rural cemetery.?ÿ We were debating whether they were waiting for one of us or for when the hearse arrived.
My stepdaughter got married in a park next to a large lake.?ÿ The area was teeming with vultures that would sit on the dam and then swoop down to get some unlucky fish that had gone through the turbulent spillway.?ÿ Lots of jokes about the groom being doomed and the birds were waiting for him.
OK. Got a buzzard joke for you all.?ÿ It's an oldie but a goodie.?ÿ Here goes.
?ÿ
Old farmer Smith had a whole yard full of chickens but only one rooster.?ÿ And as time passed he noticed the old rooster wasn't paying as much attention to the hens as he should be.?ÿ So he went to the doc and got some "Viagry" to give the rooster so maybe that would put some pride in his stride.
When he got home from the Rexall he had a hell of a time catching the rooster.?ÿ When he finally did he was so aggravated he poured the whole bottle of pills down his gullet.?ÿ He figured it would fix him or kill him.?ÿ He went out the field to finish plowing.
When he came back in that evening he noticed all the hens were limping around with most of their feathers missing.?ÿ The dog was under the porch and looked like he had mange.?ÿ The hubcaps on his stock trailer had been pecked to pieces.?ÿ Paint was missing off the side of the barn.?ÿ He reasoned the old rooster had screwed just about everything in sight and he started looking for him.?ÿ Then he noticed the buzzards were circling.?ÿ Lo and behold there on the ground was the old rooster laying stone cold graveyard dead.
Old farmer Smith felt bad about overdosing the old bird.?ÿ He got a shovel to scoop up the remains so the buzzards wouldn't get him.
Just as he was about to scoop up the carcass he was startled by the old rooster.?ÿ He opened one eye, looked at farmer Smith as he pointed up and said quietly, "Shhhh.?ÿ Leave me be..they're fixin' to land!"?ÿ
That joke is decades older than "Viagry".?ÿ So am I.
I remember "Rexall" when I was in Junior High School. Used to buy Jujubes (small candies) there all the time to throw at each other in class. They would stick to the blackboard if you got 'em wet first. (they would stick in hair real good) Of course this lasted about a week before several of us, considered to be an unnecessary burden on society as a whole, were caught and our weaponry projectiles confiscated. That along with 3 licks from a "paddle" (read 2"x8" pressure treated pine, at least that's what it felt like). administered by the resident goliath Football Coach/Shop teacher that we thought lived under the furnace in the boiler room at school.
Around here Rexall was long gone before Viagra was even thought of. ????
Everybody wants to tell me about when Viagra first came out....and nobody questions whether an old rooster can really talk or not.... 😉
I used to be able to talk like a rooster.?ÿ Does that count??ÿ When I was a little tyke in our old house with a wood burning stove we had a big mountain of firewood in the yard not far from the house.?ÿ We had quite a few free range chickens.?ÿ The rooster viewed that mountain of wood as being his version of playing king of the mountain.?ÿ He would seek out the topmost chunk of wood to park himself, preen and flap his wings then crow his heart out.?ÿ I would mimic him.?ÿ That drove him nuts.?ÿ He knew the direction but he couldn't see another rooster.?ÿ He would crow again and I would crow back.?ÿ The dark screen in the open window prevented him from getting a look at me.?ÿ We would go back and forth until he either took off to protect his flock or my mother told me to shut the heck up and leave that poor rooster alone.
That's a good memory. Here in a month or two I'll be doing my urban version of bird talk. Mockingbirds breed and nest about that time. There's always one on top of a power pole close by. I love whistling back and forth with them in the morning while I load up the truck. I'm not sure if they take it as aggression, but they sure like to mimic me while I mimic them.
They seem partial to a lot of old Journey hits. 😉
When I was about 6 and my brother was 4, we brought a Peking duck home from my grandma's house because she had no room for it. It lived in our yard. My brother was constantly tormenting the duck despite my dad telling him to leave it alone or it would get him someday. For Christmas my brother got a Dick Tracy "Tommy Gun" that made a machine gun sound. Daisy, the duck, had a makeshift house in the yard. My brother snuck down to it with his gun while she was inside. I vividly recall my dad calling me to the kitchen window to watch. Between Daisy's house and our house was a sloped lawn area. It had been raining, so the grass was wet. My brother stuck the gun in the door and torched it off, then took off running. Sure enough, out came Daisy in hot pursuit. As he started up the slope, he slipped and she was on his back in a heartbeat, pecking him and flapping her wings while making all kinds of scary noises for a 4 year old. We stood at the window laughing hysterically.
My brother finally got up and into the house, crying and red faced. He marched to my dad's closet and came out with a golf club. Dad asked him "what are you going to do with that?" My brother said "I am going to golf that duck all the way back to Grandma's house", which was about 120 miles away. Dad says "no you aren't. I told you leave that duck alone or she would get you. You had that coming. Put the golf club away."
He never messed with Daisy again.
Those vultures reminded me when I was 18 I took a job as a "dock boy" at a fishing lodge on Moose Lake, Minnesota.?ÿ Kirks Lodge is long gone but I clearly remember twice a week having to load the fish gut can into the pickup and take it to the local dump. This dump was unmanned and a rather remote affair where you backed up to the pile/hole and pushed the can off the tailgate. Splat. Man. It stunk.?ÿ You had to move fast though to get the can back in the pickup because the competition between the turkey vultures, on the ground by this time, and black bears lurking nearby was certain.?ÿ The vultures knew to charge in there first and they smelled worse than that can of three day old fish guts.?ÿ?ÿ
Once I tied a rope to the can securing it to the pickup and talked my buddy Burr into driving. When we got to the dump, with the vultures circling lower and lower I jumped out of the cab and into the bed.?ÿ Burr backed the truck to the edge of the garbage as I popped the tailgate down and kicked the can off the tailgate. About the same time Burr gunned it. Almost killed me. I lost my balance and almost fell out of the truck and then the can jerked on the rope slingshoting?ÿ the can back toward the truck/me. It barely misses but splashed fish guts all over my pants and the truck.?ÿ Had to wash the truck and retire those pants. Never did that again but I can still laugh about it.?ÿ?ÿ
I popped the tailgate down and kicked the can off the tailgate. About the same time Burr gunned it. Almost killed me. I lost my balance and almost fell out of the truck and then the can jerked on the rope slingshoting?ÿ the can back toward the truck/me. It barely misses but splashed fish guts all over my pants and the truck.
The chain of events reminded me of this song
?ÿ
????
