So I stopped at the gas station last night

That's kind of like frantically looking for your glasses, only to have your teenager have you describe them and then point out that their on top of your head.?ÿ Talk about feeling like a numbskull!

Mr. File,

Below is what I emailed to a friend on his fiftyth birthday. I think you have passed or are close to the half century mark. Enjoy!

When you get to the half century mark you are an Old Fart In-Training. This training goes on for fifteen years. You need to get your Old Fart In-Training physical where the doctor's tell you about all the things that will stop working, work when they want to or work when you don't want them to. Just tell the doctors they are most cordially invited to go defecate in their chapeals because isn't going to happen to you.

After ten years of training this is what you have to look forward to:

Over 60 (not mph)

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 186 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and when going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Wal-Mart talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."

You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered,

"No,but I do fart a lot."

Happy New Year from a Old Fart.

?ÿ

Welcome to the party!!! ?ÿEvery day brings a different new surprise.

Yep, and some of those surprises ain't so dang funny either.?ÿ I HATE having to keep up with reading glasses.?ÿ