If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
-- Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
That's easy-MS Word spell check 🙂
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My
argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I
haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
Went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I parked my car in a tow away zone. When I came back, the entire area was gone.
If I melt dry ice, can I go swimming without getting wet?
If you tore off a fly's wings would you call it a walks?
Why do they call them apartments if they are so close together?
If you shot a mime, would you have to use a silencer?
Experience is the thing you get just after you needed it.
Dont forget Mitch Hedberg
Mitch passed away of cancer I believe. He has some good ones too:
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
Dont forget Mitch Hedberg
Mitch was my favorite....
....turkey pastrami, turkey bacon, turkey sausage, dude just be yourself!!!
When I was a kid I would draw you (holds up hand).
Dont forget Mitch Hedberg
I thought he died from heroin?
Either way it was too soon. He was a funny MoFo!
Dont forget Mitch Hedberg
> I thought he died from heroin?
>
> Either way it was too soon. He was a funny MoFo!
That could be correct. I know he died young, but it escaped me that he did it to himself.
Dont forget Mitch Hedberg
"I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
No good ever cam from "multiple drug toxicity".
A very funny man chased by demons that were no laughing matter.
Dont forget Mitch Hedberg
He had a bad heart from childhood, coupled with the drug use as a contributing factor.
His delivery was unique for certain, one of my son's favorites, along with Stephen Wright.
