Jeff-
fantastic respone- thank you very much- this board is great--
:good:
Well, I too have a 13 year old, but it's a boy so this may be different.
Had what you have said, happened to me, I would have wore his butt out with a belt. He would have been grounded for a week, and had extra chores that week as well. After that, the State's punishment will do more for him that I could. What will happen is shame from your child for not being able to get her license. The other kids will make damn sure that happens.
I'm glad your kido is okay. Nothing wrong with punishment. Whipping her now, way after the fact would be out for me. In school they teach the hot stove rule in human relations. I find it works for kids as well. Make the punishment one notch above the crime and hammer them right then, so the negative reinforcement is in place.
As far as the sports go, that's a structure that I wouldn't take away unless the whole world was going to hell in a handbasket.
My dad and I bought my first truck. I was told not to drive it. I drove it around the block ONE TIME, and he checked the odometer. I was not allowed to drive anymore until ONE WEEK after my 16th birthday. That was a long week. I can't imagine two extra years.
You really want to get her, Spring Branch looks small enough to have a volunteer fire department. Take her down there and ask them to show her the tools they use to get kids out of effed up cars, and pictures of those not so lucky. It may even save her life.
Case in point, my boy and I were going up to a buddies deer lease to help bush-hog and plant for him (he didn't have a tractor). Right about where we were to turn, my fire pager went off and there was an accident just about 1/2 mile from where I was. We cruised up there and I had to drive by the scene to park the truck and trailer. My son was able to see the man lying on the ground (he was ejected) and me run up to him. Then he saw us work on him with the medics, and then put a sheet over the guy. My son was not allowed out of the truck, but he could still see. Then he saw us work with the troopers on the skid marks and wrecker getting the truck. When I got back in the truck, he asked, what happened. I told him the man was speeding, drinking, not wearing his seat-belt (this caused him to be ejected, and the truck crush his head in, and I don't care who you are, that's a weird feeling when you're trying to get them turned over into a recovery position when you feel that one) and he had died. My son and I talked about it and now when I let him drive at the farm, or the deer lease, he always puts a seat belt on, and goes slow. Graphic for sure, but it leaves an impression that even kids aren't bullet-proof.
Good luck,
Quote:
“Fortunately, she wasnt killed, didnt kill anyone else, and didnt have anyone with her. Her punishment as of now-- of course no cell phone, house arrest by me for the next year, no friends over, taken out of school atheletics which she loved,( cant trust her after practice until i can pick her up) and she has to carry the license plate that was ripped off the car, with her whenever she does leave the house and comes with us if we go anywhere.”
How long ago did this happen? Perhaps your fury has subsided by now. At her age, considering the punishment you have inflected, or intend to, will simply make her resent you, especially concerning athletics and social interaction with her peers. As far as the license plate is concerned that’s rather archaic.
Take a look at your own parenting skills first, before you decide. Kid’s ain’t easy!
Good luck and have a great week.
I along with many others agree you should reconsider school athletics. I have been a Jr. High Softball coach for 7 years and have very strict rules. It boiled down to if you want playing time then follow the rules period no exceptions. I made the players responsible for their actions. They always had a choices and I try to teach them to make the right choice not the easy one. Many adjusted their attitudes on their own and learned to be responsible at an early age.
Kris,
thanks for the post - actually the volunteer fire department is 3 miles down the road-
i like that idea- i know there are "shock" programs out there for kids.. i am going to look into that..
FL,
I do appreciate your opinion -as in the original post, this happened Saturday night- my wife and i are still pretty much in shock-
As far as looking at my own parenting skills - i have six kids- i started over- oldest is 29 and a PE in California- youngest is 8.
5 boys and 1 girl - what do they say- "this is not my first rodeo":-)
After you've had some time to think about it, I'm sure you'll make a rational decision.
The goal in this be clsoe enough to your daughter and be able to look back 20 years from know and say..'remember when you were 13 and wrecked the car'..then laugh about it (o.k. well at least a chuckle)..
First, very glad to hear no one was injured.
Second, I think you can give yourself some credit for raising your daughter in such a way that she was willing to call you even though she must have known she really screwed up and the consequences weren’t going to be pretty.
Third, like others, I have no intention of telling you how to raise you daughter.
But (as the saying goes):
I agree with others about the athletics, although I would have a talk with the coaches.
I’m not a fan of the scarlet letter form of punishment (sandwich boards, carrying the license plate around). It relies too heavily on the intolerance, scorn and derision of others. I would be trying to teach my child not to be scornful, intolerant or derisive and that those are not qualities we favor.
I wouldn’t take the cell phone away. After all, she probably used it to call you when she was in trouble. I would, of course, try to figure out a way to limit cell phone usage to what you consider legitimate purposes.
Are you saying she could have gotten her license earlier than 18 but, because of this incident, she now has to wait until she’s 18? If so, that’s good because it’s a fairly harsh consequence, but you’re not the bad guy. That’s between her and the State of Texas.
My dad was a teacher. I’ve heard a version of the following conversation hundreds of times following some infraction. Sometimes, it was directed at me or my brother. More often, it was to fellow students:
"Blah, blah, blah. Do you understand what I’m telling you?"
"Yeah."
"Explain it to me."
"Uh, well..., uh."
"So you don’t understand. Are you a liar , too?"
"No."
"Do you understand what I’m telling you?"
"No."
"Blah, blah, blah. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Explain it to me."
"Blah, blah, blah."
"Okay. Get to class."
Make her explain it to you. I’d make her write me a 15 or 20 page essay on what she did, why it was wrong, what the potential consequences might have been, etc. Handwritten, no internet copy and paste. Lots of research at the library. Lots of footnotes. Mark it up and tell her it’s a good first draft but it needs some work.
Man, first thank goodness she's OK.
But having to carry the plate around for a year, that's awesome.
Maybe every day she missses it backs up her DL date by a month.
Jeff
I think you have said a mouthful, one girl.
Bet you never expected your daughter to do something stupid, something a boy would do.
hi, i'm 16, and i pretty much agree with what lots of others have already said, but i guess i'll post anyhow.
i've never wrecked a car, but i've broken my rules and gotten in my fair share of trouble. wrecking a car is pretty bad - and i think that she actually wrecked it puts it in perspective a little bit more. if she'd taken it for a ride and hadn't wrecked, it probably wouldn't look so bad. but that's just an observation - whether that's really a bad or a good thing is a different story.
the thing i would like to say the most, is that i highly doubt a spanking instead of a grounding would really help. a long grounding could cause resentment if you let it get that way, but a spanking? if i had just gotten a spanking whenever i got in trouble, i would've done it anyway. a spank is temporary, it doesn't stick around. maybe if i had gotten seriously hit, it would have done something, but that's something else entirely - and i would hope it wouldn't come to that.
anyway, everyone else's already said it, but i'm going to say that taking away school athletics is probably a bit much, and i'm sure by now you know why. having a talk with the coach is a good thing, and if supervision can't be allowed from the time practice ends to when you're able to pick her up, maybe a good talk would make you feel a bit better about it. i know that a talk won't magically make everything better, but unless she's having to wait hours for anyone to be able to pick her up, i'd say it's a good compromise for school sports.
(or, like suggested, something such as volunteering or another school program would be a nice alternative. especially for the college application part.)
so, i'm just a teenager myself and take that how you will, but i strongly believe your grounding would go down amazingly well if you let her have some sort of school activity/volunteer/sport. and the talks. talking about things is what matters the most. in my opinion, it's not the grounding that would make her resent you - it's being grounded and never getting an explanation or reason, basically, never having any talks about what happened.
she called you and she sounds like a great kid. kids make mistakes.
miranda,
thank you very much- its good to hear from someone close to her age-
i again thank you all for the support and comments.
yeah, i thought for sure one of the boys would have pulled this stunt over the years.
my daughter is a really good girl, never really been in trouble, just kid stuff.
i am going to reconsider the sport thing after talking to my wife-
MIRANDA
i just wanted to say thanks again for your post- what great insight for a sixteen year young woman- your parents should be proud....
MIRANDA
it's no problem (: i'm glad to know you're reconsidering, and i'm glad to give input.
& i'm also surprised it wasn't one of the boys (;
MIRANDA
> i just wanted to say thanks again for your post- what great insight for a sixteen year young woman- your parents should be proud....
We are. 🙂 *gloats*
Miranda has been in trouble for similar things that your daughter has done. Miranda has definitely learned and grew into a beautiful young mature girl from her mistakes and the punishments dealt from those mistakes. She had to earn back our trust and privileges and she did that with grace and wonderful composure and effort. She now lectures her peers on "behavioral" issues and it seems that they listen way more and better to her than any adult. Hey...whatever works!!
I can tell ya the teenager years are the HARDEST on us parents but the teens finally do see the light and it's a wonderful day when they do. Hallelujah!!! :good: :hi5: :clap: :music: :star: :drink:
MIRANDA
Wait... she's seen the light? When did this happen?
MIRANDA
when i was in the hospital, and almost died?
i saw the light.
MIRANDA
> when i was in the hospital, and almost died?
> i saw the light.
You were only 6 weeks old how could you remember back that far??? 😐
MIRANDA
Angel, Wendell,
havent been around long enough to realize she was your daughter- seems you did really well- great job!
i think thats what i am reading out of your posts...
