Sent it to foggyidea. Not sure how to get an email address out of a profile. anyone can help me out so I can send to StLSurveyor? thanks
Well I had to change my book cover. Turns out blood splatter is a 'no no' if you want to advertise.
John Giles, post: 385746, member: 57 wrote: blood splatter is a 'no no'
I hadn't thought about it, but is probably good advice. How did you learn that?
Bill93, post: 385751, member: 87 wrote: I hadn't thought about it, but is probably good advice. How did you learn that?
When I tried to run an ad on Amazon books they denied my ad because of 'blood splatter".
John Giles, post: 385753, member: 57 wrote: When I tried to run an ad on Amazon books they denied my ad because of 'blood splatter".
Probably because it's an election year! :imp:
You might consider a trenching tool on the cover...
Dan B. Robison, post: 385770, member: 34 wrote: You might consider a trenching tool on the cover...
That's a good idea. I just might do that.
John Giles, post: 385532, member: 57 wrote: Sent it to foggyidea. Not sure how to get an email address out of a profile. anyone can help me out so I can send to StLSurveyor? thanks
received, thanks
John ÛÒ I loved the book. With some editing and fillers (i.e.: more about the backgrounds of the characters) you could have 400 page success on your hands. Great story line, I wish it was longer!
Bravo!
FL/GA PLS., post: 386686, member: 379 wrote: John ÛÒ I loved the book. With some editing and fillers (i.e.: more about the backgrounds of the characters) you could have 400 page success on your hands. Great story line, I wish it was longer!
Bravo!
Thanks,
I've been editing it. Haven't added anything to it though. I was thinking of adding in Jerry the psychiatrists childhood or even make a separate book about it. Just his history up until fate took his parents.
I also took out the exclamation marks, way too many of those, on several peoples advise. One guy told me to forget they even exist and to use none at all. Just let the story tell the reader when things are getting exciting.
John Giles, post: 386704, member: 57 wrote: I was thinking of adding in Jerry the psychiatrists childhood
Yes and how he became obsessed with Kate. Keep us posted as you progress.
FL/GA PLS., post: 386707, member: 379 wrote: Yes and how he became obsessed with Kate. Keep us posted as you progress.
sent you an email
Got it
I've added content to chapter 11: October+1 and
I added two more chapters.
July+8
September+12
Both of these chapters deal with Annie's upbringing and how she was taught to be who she ends up being.
So if you want the added content, let me know. I'd be interested in knowing if you think it adds to or takes away from the book. I can send the update book or send parts to you, either way.
I'm afraid to ruin the book though. I'm adding in more details as requested. It may make the ending more expected and it makes Jerry something difficult to deal with, considering what he is, early on in the eyes of the reader.
I took your advice Dan Robinson. New cover, with new blurb.
It's kind of ordinary but the white for the doc and the entrenching tool...for the doc.
Sold my first paperback book! I know it's only one, but somebody actually bought something I wrote. Crazy. It wasn't this book, but another one. A short story called 'Princess in a book'. Anyway, feels good to even sell just one paperback. I've sold a couple kindles too. Who know's, maybe people will like it.
John Giles, post: 388722, member: 57 wrote: Sold my first paperback book!
Congratulations! As I previously stated I enjoyed the book. I was recently given an epub of "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang" by Chelsea Handler which made it to the NYT bestseller list with a 3.8 of 5.0 rating. Hands down itÛªs the worst "book" I have ever read, made absolutely no sense. I am looking forward to FATE significantly surpassing that with a 4.8 on the NYT bestseller list!
Hoping for your continued success.:cool:
Ok, I'll post a few things that came to mind.
Technical stuff.....
I'm no prude about language, but it seems way more swearing than the way people talk. It makes it seem forced.
You already mentioned the excess !!! points.
Editing should be your friend. Re read it with an eye to seeing how the text moves the story. You've got a lot of information that seems to go no where. For example... you let us know that his secretary knows about the affair in the office but it ends up having no effect on the story. Wouldn't he kill her for knowing that? Or let us know that she knows without her just stating it in a blunt sentence. Then we would be curious how he handles the situation.
You really need someone with a red pen to sit down and mark up all the small but common errors throughout the text.
One that kept popping up was writing "wondering" instead of "wandering". Small things, but they took me out of the story. Numerous apostrophe errors throughout the text.
Storyline comments...
I went back and re read the first few scenes after finishing. I was hoping that I missed that the original driver of the car was actually Dr. Jerry, or that Jerry had been at the party where the story starts. Seems to me that would be a way to intersect their FATES You need him to get nearly shot to get they characters to meet up. (also, the branch falling seems so implausible that it lost me. Maybe just have the gun misfire, or something less "unique". The situation itself is crazy enough)
I liked the way you had the doctor with the black eyes, so that we got a hint of his character, without someone just saying something out loud.
I will admit to skimming through some parts, but I don't recall much character development of Annie. Seeing as how important she becomes, I think you should sprinkle some foreshadowing in the story about the relationship between Jerry and Annie. She seems to just appear out of nowhere and dominates the end of the storyline. If I missed that, I apologize.
I liked the way Jerry was tormented by his own thoughts. It was odd to have the dead person talking in the first person though.
Ok, maybe that's more than you wanted to read. I think the story has good bones. I hope my comments help, maybe in the next novel. Good work, for sure.
Andy
PS
on page 42 you give a really detailed description of the tattoo. If that's an actual image, perhaps that should be part of the cover? I tried google image search but found nothing like you describe.
Thanks for the feedback.
I took out all of the !!!!!. I was advised to 'forget the exclamation point exists' so I did. I agree the cussing is excessive at first, but I wanted people not like him at first. I figured his foul, drunk, self would cuss a lot. Maybe not though. I'll definitely take another look at the cussing. It's mainly in the beginning when he is drunk. I was hoping he would slowly grow on the reader, to where he was liked by the reader by the time he met Jerry.
I caught all the wanderings and some other things when I did a grammar check. Should have done one before I put it out there for you. I also got rid of ALL CAPS. That was too much too, and I was advised against using all caps.
I had the computer read it to me. I caught a lot of mistakes that way. I probably should have it professionally edited. An editor can really help a book. A book this size is about $900 to have professionally edited and I didn't think the book was good enough to do that. I may though. I have another book I am having professionally done and I don't know if my editor is any good. People found all kinds of mistakes my editor missed/added in my other book. It kind of made me wonder if I was just throwing money away having it done on my other book. Maybe just need a different person doing it.
I put the random acts in there to draw Jack to Jerry. The tree limb is a crazy situation in what happened. Maybe too ridiculous. One of the survey crew could whack the crap out of him. Maybe more believable if I did that. But then it would take the 'fate' ruse out of the situation I was trying to allude to.
I could intertwine it more. Will definitely look into that. He is really drunk at the beginning...could be Jerry in the car. I like that. But then I would question why not do what he wants to do to him right away? A drunk guy on a road, perfect for the picking.
I want Jerry to know him, but he doesn't know Jerry at first. I think I added that after I already sent it to you.
I was advised to try to keep it to the point of view of the character. That's why I had to fight myself to not have any Jerry moments in the beginning. But I could add a chapter in the beginning from Jerrys point of view, but then I don't want to give Jerry away too quickly either. I don't know. Will think about it.
Thanks for taking time to read and help me with the book. Trying to self edit is a bear. I even used the wrong 'tale' when I first wrote the blurb. I didn't catch it, somebody else did. I know the difference, but my fingers don't pay any attention to me.
I made up the tattoo. I have a buddy who is a tattoo artist. I could have him draw it up for me and put it on the cover behind the entrenching tool. Thanks.
I was basically trying to make it seem like fate, but then it turns out to be something even worse than fate. May be disappointing to the reader, though. I never thought about that part of it. Believing it is fate, then find out what it is.
I have two Annie chapters I added. They are pretty harsh and I wasn't sure if I wanted to put that in the book but I added them anyway. It really sheds some light on Annie. Maybe too much.
You gave me a lot to think about, thanks.
