Q: Why don't cows have any money?
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A: Because farmers milk them dry
Q: ?ÿWhy are freemartins destitute?
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A: ?ÿThey never get bred.
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(Following the cow theme
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck.?ÿNaturally the doctor asks him what happened.?ÿ"Well, it was like this" said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
?ÿ"What did you do?", asked the doctor.?ÿ
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
Q: What has four legs and goes "Tick Tock"
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A: A Watchdog
A really bad one I heard more than 50 years ago:
What's purple and conquered the world?
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Alexander the grape.
I like the double pun, great/grape and Concord/conquered.
Another from that era:
Remember beatniks? They were a big topic in the 1950s.?ÿ
Benny was a beatnik, but couldn't grow a decent goatee beard to look like the other beatniks.
He tried, and hoped, and wished, and one night a genie appeared and told him his wish for a beard would be granted. The catch was that he must not shave it off.?ÿ "If you ever shave it off, I'll reappear and fry you to ashes."
So Benny got the finest goatee and was the envy of the other beatniks for years.
But time passed, and beatniks went out of favor. Benny got a corporate job and was passed over for promotion because he didn't fit the clean-cut look in favor.?ÿ He regretted getting the beard and wondered if he dared shave.
Eventually he convinced himself it had been so long the genie must have forgotten him.?ÿ He shaved. A half hour later, he was talking to a friend when the genie appeared, all out of breath, and said?ÿ "You! I had to drop everything and rush over here when word came you had shaved. You know what I told you!"?ÿ So the genie burned poor Benny to ashes and left.?ÿ His friend swept up the ashes and put them in a fancy urn for burial.
The moral of this story is
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A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
Randy, the painter, often thinned his paint to make it go further. The Baptist Church decided to restore?ÿits biggest building. Randy put in a low bid and got the job. He bought the paint, and, yes, thinned it with turpentine. Well, Randy was painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly?ÿ there was a clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint off the church. Randy fell from the scaffold, landing among the gravestones. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty. Randy raised his voice to the heavens, crying, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from above, a mighty voice roared: ??Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Once upon a time there was a king in a remote country where all the houses were grass huts.?ÿ His palace was similar but large and tall, with a loft.?ÿ He ruled from a stone chair that had served many generations of kings.
Eventually a world explorer found the country and visited the king.?ÿ Having been treated well, when the explorer returned home he sent the king a gift of a new shiny and ornate metal throne.?ÿ The elegance and generosity impressed the king so he decided to use it, but he couldn't bear to get rid of the historical one made of stone.?ÿ He had it stored in the loft of his grass palace.
One day there was a huge windstorm and it shook all the houses so much that the heavy stone chair fell from the loft and crushed the king.
The moral of the story is:
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People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Anybody who likes really bad puns should read author Spider Robinson's short stories.?ÿ One paraphrased from him:
A team of explorers in the jungles found a huge stone statue of a sitting man.?ÿ The natives told them it was an oracle that could answer great questions.?ÿ The explorers discussed between them and then presented the oracle with a the most difficult question they could come up with.?ÿ The oracle stood up and scratched its chin for a while in thought.?ÿ
After the explorers got over their amazement, one said to the other, "Why did it get up?"?ÿ The other answered, "Why, it only stands to reason."
