...to break up the cobwebs. Here's a good version of good ol' number 39:
Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened here. This morning the postman fell dead on the porch!".
Aloha, Uncle Paden:
That's funny even for a monk! 😀
I'm a grandpa and I just say "pull my finger". Always good for a kiddo laugh, especially if it really happens. (I never really trust them anymore though)
😛
You might be a redneck, if:
You buy a fishing license, at the same time you buy a wedding license!
🙂
N
Morris and his wife Esther went tWe need an old joke here...
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. And every year
Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50 and
$50 dollars is $50'
One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm
85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is $50 and $50 is $50.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take
the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't
say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's $50.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and
over again, But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything
I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther
fell out, but you know, $50 is $50!'
Old Norwegian Farmer Jokes...
Lars had come to America as a young man and had made good. Always very frugal he had a fine farm in Minnesota and a large family. They had all gathered at the house per his wishes as he lay on his deathbed. That last evening he summoned them all to his bedside.
He asked his wife of sixty years, Holga, if everyone was present.
"Are all my children here?"
"Yes, Poppa, we are all here."
"Are all my grand children here?"
"Yes, Poppa, they are all here too."
Holga was getting a little fidgety and explained the entire family was there in the bedroom with him as he wished.
He raised up on one elbow and asked, "Then why are the lights still on in the other side of the house?"
**************************
Lars had been slipping in and out that last evening, but something made him sit up in bed. It was the smell of Holga's fresh prune pastries.
He couldn't remember the last time he had tasted them. He had to have one.
With all the strength he could muster he dragged himself out of his deathbed and crawled down the hall toward the kitchen where the warm pastries were cooling.
From the floor he raised a trembling hand up to snatch one last warm pastry before he passed.
Suddenly Holga smacked his hand with a large wooden spoon and explained in a stern voice, "Those are for the funeral!"
Thanks, Paden, those are two of my favorites
Very long story involving two of your favorite ethnic people who have been married for 55 years.
As they sit rocking on the front porch one early evening the wife reaches over and smacks the husband with her backhand as hard as she can. After several minutes he asks, "What was that for?" After several minutes she replies, "That's for 55 years of lousy sex." Several minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks the wife with his hand as hard as he could. After several minutes she asks, "What was that for?" After several minutes he replies, "That's for knowing the difference."
OLD jokes? This was my Grandfather's favorite joke. As a Mississippi lawyer and a devout Methodist, it was VERY racy for him, but he thought it was the funniest thing he EVER heard:
Q; What did the blind man say as he walked passed the fish market?
A; Good Morning Ladies.
I think I was 19 before I got the punch line. :-$
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."
:pinch:
