Two nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft whisper asks...
"What part did you get?"
3 nuns are walking through the park, and a flasher jumps out and gives them the visual. first nun has a stroke, second nun has a stroke, third nun wouldn't even touch him.
Three nuns walk into a bar
and asked for a bottle of brandy to go.
The bartender said, "I can't sell you brandy
-- you're nuns!" The oldest nun said,
"It's alright, son. It's for medicinal purposes.
Mother Superior has constipation."
The bartender said, "Well, I guess it's alright then,"
and sold them a bottle of brandy.
A few hours later when he was closing the bar,
he heard laughing and singing in the alley,
so he went over to investigate.
Lo and behold,
there were the same three nuns -- drunk!
The bartender got angry.
"I thought you said that brandy was
for Mother Superior's constipation!"
"Oh, it is," said the one nun.
"She's gonna crap when she sees us!"
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.
__________________________________________________________________
Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"
Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."
Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"
Man replies "Who is that?"
Cop yells "Hurry up and jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
A police officer is on traffic duty one day when he pulls over a car full of nuns traveling 18 MPH in a 45 zone.
Addressing the driver he states:
"Sister, I appreciate that you are trying to be safe, but you really should drive a little faster in order to keep pace with other traffic."
"Oh thank you officer - looks like I mistook the route number for the speed limit."
The officer glances in the back seat, and one of the nuns is white faced and visibly trembling.
"What's wrong with her?" the officer asks.
"Oh." one of the other nuns says. "We just got off of Route 116."
