PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of
speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising
or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my
desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
Finally:
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.
:good: May have to post some of those on the wall. Thanks.
:good: :stakeout: :good:
:good: :good:
28. It's the least I could do. If I could do less, I would.
29. Don't think it hasn't been nice, because it hasn't.
You Bet Your Life!
If you are a Marx Bros fan. Groucho had many in the movies and TV.
These are a few...
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I have nothing but respect for you …and not much of that.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.
You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy …and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. .
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
You Bet Your Life!
Aww Duck Soup a true classic.
Groucho to the long suffering Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont):
Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
You Bet Your Life!
Somewhere else in their movies, Groucho is asked where someone is and he replies "He left in a Huff. Or maybe it was a Packard."
Funny if you remember some of the dozens of car manufacturers in that era.
