An elderly couple is attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing
aid."
church ladies with typewriters
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
9. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM- prayer and medication to follow.
24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciated it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance
church ladies with typewriters
One of our Priests gives the same sermon every time he preaches which he always does extemporaneously; well he works in the readings and Gospel for that Sunday but it more or less sounds the same to me every time. The Rector at least prepares a new sermon when she has the pulpit so I give her credit for that.
I don't think No. 22 is a mistake...
I'm just sayin'. I've been a member of a church where that was a true statement LOL.
I don't think No. 22 is a mistake...
> I'm just sayin'. I've been a member of a church where that was a true statement LOL.
You and me both!! 😛
church ladies with typewriters
He shouldn't be recycling the same sermons again and again - most churches have a lectionary to wrap their material around.
