At the risk of being in the wrong category...

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce

...I haven't got a computer - not because I'm some sort of technophobe, but because I know them to be the spawn of Beelzebub.
- Pete McCarthy

I like reading in a pub rather than a library or study, as it's generally much easier to get a drink.
- Pete McCarthy

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
- W.C. Fields

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
- Dave Barry

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
- Slovenian proverb

The theory of legal procedure is that if you set two liars to expose one another, the truth will emerge.
- George Bernard Shaw

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly.
- Woody Allen

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

Outside of a dog, a good book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read anyway.
- Groucho Marx

Hardware - This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
- Dave Barry

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.
- W.C. Fields

We lived for days on nothing but food and water.
- W.C. Fields

The racking and pitiless pain of it remains stored up in my memory alongside the memory of the time that I had my teeth fixed.... ... a great chorus composed entirely of maniacs would suddenly break forth and then during two minutes and sometimes three I lived over again all that I had suffered the time the orphan asylum burned down.
- Mark Twain on opera

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

Dice, n. Small polka-dotted cubes of ivory, constructed like a lawyer to lie on any side, but commonly on the wrong one.
- Ambrose Bierce

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- Woody Allen

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, and those are pretty good odds.
- Pappy Maverick

And last, but not least:

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.