A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
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"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
............................He never heard the gunshot.
A "then the fight started" joke with a twist. Some things you just don't say, if you have ANY sense at all.
SJ
Excellent
I would be dead.
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
A newlywed couple recently moved to a new area, and were seeking a new church. They drove past a huge megachurch that happened to be the same denomination as their faith, so they stopped in and met with the pastor. He told them to come to their young couples study that evening, and membership requirements would be discussed.
That evening the pastor announced that 4 new couples had applied for membership, and their entrance requirements were simple. As a demonstration of their commitment, the church requested they abstain from marital relations for one month. At the end of that month they would be presented to the congregation as new members. Each week they would meet, discuss the theology of the church, and get a status report.
The next week only 3 couples showed up, and the pastor announced one couple had already failed in their commitment.
The following week another couple had dropped out, but the newlyweds, while a bit tense, were still abstinent.
The third week they were the only couple left, and were on the downhill run with only a week left. She had developed a tic in her left cheek, and he was getting really snappish and short tempered, but they were faithful to their commitment. The pastor congratulated both of them and said he looked forward to presenting them to the congregation.
The Sunday morning arrived and they showed up at the church, and asked the pastor to meet with them before the service. The husband approached the pastor and said,
"We thought we were doing fine, but we didn't make it. She was picking through the tomatoes for supper, and when I looked at her bent over, with those round, red, plump tomatoes in her hand, something snapped. I grabbed her, tore her clothes off, and we made passionate love like we never had before!"
The pastor sighed, and said "I'm sorry, but we can't allow you to join our church."
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The husband said "That's the least of our problems, now they won't let us back in Winn Dixie either!"
